Thursday, July 20, 2006

Violent Fucking: A Survey

Just a fun little survey where we can amuse each other with stories (and/or gain bragging rights).

They say it's never a party until something gets broken. I posit it's never a sex life until something does, either.

In an ideal world, sex would always be perfectly executed. But sometimes in our enthusiasm, things go awry. You accidentally stumble over stuff, you fall on top of something you left on the couch, your makeshift toy can't stand the pressure, you pound very hard on a very un-sturdy surface.

The result? Sexual collateral damage.

So, let's tell some good stories about what's gotten destroyed at YOUR personal parties. Ever get so enthusiastic (or at least so distracted) during sex that you broke, damaged, or totally obliterated something beyond repair? Do tell. The more extreme or amusing, the better. But little things count, too (china, a stuffed animal, a thesis paper...it's all good).

And note: I'm talking damage to material stuff in the surrounding environment, not to humans.

I'll start, in the comments. And remember, you can post anonymously if you don't want to tell the world that you broke your rafters when you were yanking too hard on the hanging restraints.

Go!

27 Comments:

Blogger Miss Syl said...

Okay, me first. I was once involved in a very lengthy, VERY vigorous session with a boyfriend. It was on a bed where we'd had quite a few other lengthy, vigorous sessions.

This time, we were reaching new heights of enthusiasm (read, hard slamming motions), and then suddenly, we heard a loud crash, and found we were suddenly tilted on an angle and sliding down toward the floor.

The whole bottom of the bed frame had collapsed, but the top still held, turning the bed into an sort of right triangle.

"What did you do?", you ask? Well.

We looked up in shock for a second, and laughed in this immenesely pleased way and immediately threw ourselves back up on the bed and continued on--we couldn't bring ourselves to stop. It's pretty sexy when you realize your fucking was so intense it destroyed a bed.

And my boyfriend had a nice time holding me down so I didn't slide too far...

And then when we were done, exahusted, we collapsed into sleep and slept all night with the blood rushing down to our feet. And I didn't mind one. little. bit.

Tag. You're it!

7/20/2006 1:45 AM  
Blogger The Retropolitan said...

Um, that's also my exact story. Except I think we stopped to put a big stack of books under the foot of the bed.

7/20/2006 6:09 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

The Retropolitan: Are you saying you're my ex boyfriend? Jinkies...outed!

7/20/2006 8:20 AM  
Blogger The Retropolitan said...

Good lord, I hope you're not my ex-girlfriend.

7/20/2006 9:05 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Retropolitan: That bad, eh?

Well, if your bed broke anywhere within the continental US, have no fear, I'm not your ex.

7/20/2006 9:25 AM  
Blogger The Retropolitan said...

Not like that, more like "Good lord, that would be shocking to find her transformed into a sex blogger."

7/20/2006 10:01 AM  
Blogger Karl Elvis said...

Baby, you got me all excited with the title of this entry, and now I find you don't mean violent, you just mean clumsy.

But to answer, most of the un-intentional damage has been to a partner. The classic head-to-nose collision (a wonder I've never broken anyone's nose); a heavy silver necklace I used to wear against someone's teeth (amazingly, no chips, but it sounded like stone cracking). And I'm a brute, so I always, always leave bruises.

I think I've knocked a light fixture off a wall and I know I've put a leak in a waterbed.

But my favorite story on this isn't me - a friend showed up with an amazing black eye and we all asked her how'd you get that? She pointed at her boyfriend and and said "He did it, in bed!" We all gasped; this guy wasn't the rough sex type at all.

It turned out they were having a vigorous session and the bed was banging on the wall, and eventually a picture that was hanging above the bed came down; neatly smacking her in the eye. She caught the corner of the picture frame right on the cheekbone.

We tried to encourage him to tell the story a different way to enhance his legend, but he was having none of it.

7/20/2006 11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the sex was so enthusiastic... so hard... so fast... everything was just so right.... until we realised we broke the condom. Damn!

good thing I had taken other measures... nothing to worry about..

7/20/2006 11:16 AM  
Anonymous Darkhawk said...

I can't say that I've broken many material objects, though my lover and I have a running joke that one of us gets accidentally injured pretty much every time we go to bed together.

Broke a wooden slat on a futon once. And kicked the everliving hell out of an alarm clock. (Sex was sufficiently enthusiastic and long-lasting to have developed a slow precessional rotation ...)

7/20/2006 12:28 PM  
Anonymous Tory said...

Besides breaking condoms, ripping clothes and no human injuries.

Short story shorter. I was fucking this girl in my shower. She was hanging on the nossle and i guess when she was cumming decieded to put more weight on it. SNAP. There went the head of the shower nossle. I amazingly caught her some how without eating my own shit. she giggled and i said, "it was totally worth it." turned off the water and did her on counter top. The bitch part about it was trying to explain to my mom how i broke a shower head.

7/20/2006 5:09 PM  
Blogger Mistress Natosha said...

Ohhh I must get in on this laughs

I was in a tiny hotel room above greenwich village one humid night in october. We had spent hours enjoying ourselves, building up the excruciatingly sweet moment of ecstasy.

Suddenly, my dark lover decides to become super human and picks me up around the hips raising me up in the air and banging my head against the low ceiling. plaster rained down, stomping was heard above us and we lost it. Laughed so damn hard and collapsed on the bed together.

We sexually tormented each other for another half hour the whole time the plaster continued to drop until we feared the ceiling was about to crack, so we decided to leave before he was charged with damages. Thank god he paid in cash and didnt need to leave his name.

Does that count? laughs hard

7/20/2006 5:26 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Karl Elvis: The point is, I got you all excited. Once that happens, it's all icing on the...um, cake.

Any good writer or burlesque gal will tell ya it's all about the tease. Consumation is great, but without intimation is ain't half the fun.

Remind me not to get anywhere in your general vicinity, because I bruise way too easily. Even scratchy beards make me look like I've been mauled.

Ow ow ow, head to nose collision. Been there.

I've also been with a guy on a waterbed. Didn't like it, though. Woke up and the bed had sunk. AND it was freezing. Maybe we'd sprung a leak, too.

7/20/2006 6:07 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Anonymous: Yikes. I'd far rather have a broken bedframe than a broken condom. Talk about potential collateral damage...

Darkhawk: Heh, I've kicked the hell out of alarm clocks, but not because I was having fun. I think breaking a futon frame counts big time, you tigress.

Tory: Ahahaha, that story rocks. I can just imagine the water spraying out all over the place. Total chaos. I'm glad you managed to recover yourself so well. What excuse did you give your mom?

Mistress Natosha: Brings new meaning to "giving head," eh? ;-P Great story! Of course it counts.

7/20/2006 6:12 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

I'm loving this; these stories crack me up. Keep 'em coming, people.

7/20/2006 6:12 PM  
Anonymous Circe said...

See, I was thinking the exact same thing as Karl when I saw the entry title and I was all, Wheeeee!

Oh well.

Okay, a tombstone was displaced. I'd like to say utterly shattered or knocked asunder, but pushed aslant would be more accurate.

7/20/2006 6:13 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Circe: Excellent. Extra points if you remember whose tombstone it was, and how old they were when they died.

Hey, what do you mean, "Oh, well?!?" This thread is fun on its own. At least, it's making me laugh. Sex can't always be perfect.

But man, if you guys really want some kind of entry on rough sex, I'll work on it. Any particular *type* of entry?

7/20/2006 6:18 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Oh, and Retropolitan: So what's wrong with a girl being a sex blogger, eh? Are you saying nice girls don't sex blog?

But that test I took over on Karl Elvis's blog says I'm only 48% evil. That means I have to be 52% nice, right?

7/20/2006 6:22 PM  
Blogger The Retropolitan said...

There's nothing wrong with being a sex blogger; I know some very wonderful sex bloggers.

But she would not be a sex blogger.

7/20/2006 8:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I won't post it as a public comment, but I'll email it so long as you'll keep it private.

7/20/2006 8:49 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Anonymous: Thanks, but in general I'd rather not anyone I don't know well email me secrets. This survey is only about lighthearted stuff people feel okay about putting up on the blog. :)

7/20/2006 10:47 PM  
Anonymous Tory said...

I had a day or so before it was discovered. I never had a story cuz my parents never used my bathroom to shower. So I thought I had all the time in the world. Then one day my pops was in the shower and my mom was in a rush so she opted to jump in my shower. Then I heard the words of death spoken. I heard my full name come out. Oh shit. So I made up this whole story about loosing my balance and grabbing the nozzle to catch myself from falling but I could tell she wasnt buying it. So I bit the bullet and told her the truth.

She didnt really care. She tried to keep a straight face and be mad but she kept cracking a smile and looking away from me. My old man gave me shit about it forever. If there was a conversation about any kind of bathing, he would just happen to mention it. My dad thought telling my mom about the situation was punishment enough. I got off scotch free besides a few bucks on a new shower head.

7/21/2006 7:35 AM  
Blogger Karl Elvis said...

Circe, see, there's a reason you're my best blogging pal. You and I think the same way. B^)

7/21/2006 3:27 PM  
Blogger Elle said...

My partner and I are both very clumsy people - while having sex or not. I'll tell you something from the past.

I didn't break anything, for once, in this story. I just started dating someone new. I lost my virginity to this guy, to be honest with you (I was a late bloomer). For a first partner, he was insane when it came to sex (for all the right reasons) and a lot of my fetishes/turn ons now are on account of him. He taught me a lot.

Anyway, it's the start of the relationship so I'm looking my best with newly colored hair, etc. We have this amazingly raunchy and extremely sweaty sex all over his place - the desk, the kitchen, the couch, etc...

He had a pretty tidy apartment...with a lot of white furniture and walls. I had hair that was colored hot pink. Needless to say, I left a trail of pink hair dye ALL over his house and I ruined his new sofa. Oops.

7/22/2006 1:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I first started dating my boyfriend he was still living with his mum. Anyway, we were having a great shag on the kitchen bench and I put my foot on a drawer handle for more leverage and CRACK! the handle snapped off, my foot was pretty sliced up and I was bleeding all over the lino. We spent the next hour trying to glue the handle back on but his mum still noticed.

7/22/2006 5:39 AM  
Blogger Cherrie said...

What great tales! But you've got me at a loss for a topper here, Miss Syl. The weirdest collateral damage I can think of is when a string of five anal beads came undone in my anus, leaving the smallest one in there. It sure ruins the mood to have my man poking around in my ass with his fingers to get it out!

7/22/2006 11:31 PM  
Blogger Brookelina said...

Does knocking over a candle and setting fire to a hotel room rug count?

7/24/2006 7:48 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Sorry everyone--was on the road for a few days and lost my 'net access. Back now.

Elle: Heh. I like a woman who leaves her mark. And pink hair rocks.

Anonymous: Good story. What story did you make up to tell the mother as to why it happened?

Cherrie: You think that's not a topper? Yikes! I'd say that's some collateral damage there.

Brooke: But of course! As that band once sang, "Fire woman, you're to blame."

7/24/2006 9:14 PM  

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