Does Size Matter?
I have a confession. I have never dated a fat guy.There are probably a wide variety of reasons that I haven't--ranging from simple reasons like, "I just never found a guy I liked 'in that way' who happened to be fat," to more insidious reasons like the fat hatred I heard regularly from my family growing up, and societal attitudes that may have influenced my attraction to big guys.
All that's fodder for other posts related to fat and body image. But this post isn't about that.
It's about the fact that I've never dated or had sex with a fat guy. And lately, I've begun to wonder if I've really missed out by limiting myself in this way.
I've been thinking a lot about it lately, because suddenly, and for no predictable reason, body types that I was never much attracted to before suddenly seem incredibly appealing. For most of my life, I've gone for the tall (over 6'), thin types: sleek biker bodies, skinny emo rock boys, gangly geeks, the occasional broad-shouldered but lean type. I was fairly predictable in my taste. I still like all these looks, but now it's as if my attraction vistas have just gone panoramic, and now everyone's body is looking hot to me, and like a new opportunity that needs to be crawled all over. Big, muscle-bound guys; square, solid husky rugby types, and yep, fat guys.
In fact, there's one particular fat guy I see pretty regularly who, shall we say, tips my scales in a major way. Unfortunately, he's not available to me. But it does get a girl thinking.
So I was talking to a friend about this the other day; about the potential advantages I might have been missing out on not having included fat guys on the roster for all these years. And, in the physical arena, we were discussing if and how sex with a fat person is/might be different, and what some of the potential advantages might be--as well as if society at large is really pretty dumb for eschewing fat sex.Some possible advantages I imagine to having a larger partner:
1) Even better physical affection and warmth. There is nothing like being embraced by a big person. You somehow feel so much more protected and well...held--in a very good way.
2) Softness and curves. Sure, taut skin has its appeal, but there's something nice about the thought of the more cushioned, voluptuous feel of a well-padded naked body against yours. Stroking your hand along it, feeling the curves unique to that person, soft and giving. Having more body to explore and touch...
3) Intensity of thrusting. As a hetero girl, one wonders if the poundin' would be all that much better with some extra weight behind it. I mean, really, just imagine. Mmmm. And as a guy, maybe the pushing in would feel different with a fat woman (or man), more full and padded, increasing the pleasure sensation.
4) Well, if it's on a woman, fat usually means bigger breasts and ass. And who doesn't love that? The potential pleasure in them there regions is multi-faceted. I'm sure I don't have to explain further.
5) Less fear the person's gonna break. When someone's too skinny, you sometimes wonder if you're going to hurt them if you get too enthusiastic.
Those were some of my ideas, but of course I have no basis in reality for them. So now I'm asking: Have any of you had experience with both thin and fat partners? How is it different (if at all)? What are some of the advantages or potential disadvantages? Is the world missing out on a major amount of pleasure because they don't realize the benefit of fat sex?
It may be no different at all. As a person who has been both underweight and overweight, I haven't noticed much difference in my own sexual sensations between the two states. But in terms of what it was like for the people having sex with me at different sizes, I'm not sure.
I'm curious to hear others' opinions about the relative benefits of bigger partners. Or, if you have varied in body type over time, if you have enjoyed sex differently as a larger person.
NOTE TO ALL COMMENTERS: Please keep your answers to the topic at hand--a shared, positive, respectful discussion about what some of the possible differences or benefits there might be in having sex with larger sized partners. This is NOT a debate about the relative physical attractiveness of fat people, or if people "should" be fat, or anything like that. Any comments even remotely resembling fat bashing (or skinny bashing, for that matter) will be removed.
(Photo credit: Lovely black and white portraiture by Laurie Toby Edison, from her series "Women en Large" and "Familiar Men." You can purchase her books or prints via her website at the links above.)
posted by Miss Syl at 10:35 PM
29 Comments:
I will do my best to not offend.
As a guy who pretty much loves all women, I can say that I prefer larger women just because there is 'more' of them there. More breasts, more ass, and cuddling with a big person can not be beat.
Having said that, I have found that there is a sweet spot where large is too large. It's where body parts get so big you don't like like a body part, they look like a wide undefined area.
As much as I love big women, I find they often have problems with their knees that hurt sex. Not all of them of course, but I have to say 70% of my larger lovers have had knee issues.
Hiya!
I went out with one guy, very briefly, who wasn't fat -- he was chunky, I guess. I wasn't physically attracted to him, but I thought he was funny and smart. We hooked up one night, sort of suddenly, and he was incredible in bed! After that I realized I wasn't as picky about physical stuff as I thought, originally. Or maybe I mean that my scope widened a bit.
Unfortunately, he wasn't nearly as into me as I was into him . . . this made me feel super insecure, too. I thought I was pretty okay-looking, and this guy was sort of, well, unhandsome. It wasn't his weight! He just wasn't all that handsome facially. But as I said, he was smart and funny. So I figured I wasn't his type because of my personality, and that was devastating.
Anyway, since then I've been much more open-minded. I just like 'em to be physically active and healthy. I don't mind a few extra pounds if the guy takes care of himself.
Half of my lovers have considered themselves fat. (I say 'considered themselves' because my differentiation points are different than apparently standard.) Of the remaining ones, one was very thin at the time we were involved (we were seventeen, and he's six-three and hadn't filled out yet), the others have been fairly average, though with differnet builds.
The very thin partner was actually problematic for me -- the curve of hsi pelvic girdle was very prominent, which left me with bruises on the backs of my thighs.
My lover is one of the people I've been with who considers himself fat. (He's currently trying to drop about twenty pounds.) He has a broadshouldered, stocky build (which is one of the body types I'm fond of) and a paunch. Most of the differences between our sex life and the interactions I've had with other people really do come down to personality things. I will, however, agree with the snuggle factor -- he's a snuggler in general, and just tremendously comfy to curl up with.
I think, as I reflect on it, that weight distribution can be a big deal -- a lover who has most of his weight in his chest is more likely to compress my ribcage and give me breathing issues than a lover with a big belly when collapsing on me in exhaustion. ;)
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
My experience includes people of all body types from both sexes. A few observations:
Men: I've found no correlation between body type and sexual ability. There are good ones and mediocre ones on both sides of the weight median. But a paunch can limit the positions available. For example, one of my lovers had a pronounced paunch (he's been making progress in reducing it), and preferred the missionary variant with my legs over his shoulders because he couldn't penetrate as far when we were belly-to-belly. Woman on top works well with lovers of different sizes and body types, too.
I've never had any concerns that a slender man would break (my man Hardin, who is slim and taut, would have worn out years ago if that were true), or that one could not hold me as tenderly as another whose body is larger. The general level of physical fitness dictates the quality of the thrusting, in my view, and not the weight behind it.
Women: I have no preference in body type. My lovers have been short and tall, flat-chested and big-boobed, slender and buxom. We use mouths, fingers and toys to get each other off, and these are quite adaptable to any situation. (E.g., if a woman has a stomach and desires missionary penetration, use a longer dong in the strap-on harness.)
In both sexes, what counts most for me are attitude, cleanliness, compassion and playfulness. If you can make me laugh, if you can touch me that certain way, if you can fan my always-burning fires, you have a chance with me. Body type neither makes you nor breaks you.
Shon: Glad to see you. :) And as usual, thoughtful and not offensive at all. I'd never thought about the knees thing--good point. I suppose choosing positinos carefully could assist with that...but of course, that limits some positions you could do. But then again, I wonder if there are some positions more easily accomplished with larger sized people than with skinny ones...
Ing: Thanks for your comment. Don't you feel bad abotu yourself, honey. Not everyone's gonna bie the right fit and that's al that's about. That has as much to do about him as it does about you. It's not eaither of you had a better or worse personality, only that they just didn't fit with each other. (This is something I've only just started learning myself.)
Darkhawk: Wow, I don't ever think I've been bruised by a skiny guy in that way. Yes, the friend I was talking to before posting this said the sex could vary a lot depending on where the person carried his/her weight. I'd never thought about that, either.
Helena: Thanks for your two cents, and the nice compliment. I have had orgasms during intercourse with skinny guys. But I've gotta say that pressur thing you describe sounds pretty good. I'm gonna have to get out there and try it!
Tory: You know I love you, but this time I had to remove your comment. I said I didn't want even mild fat bashing--I don't want any fat people to read this and feel at all bad about themselves--and I felt some of your ancillary comments could be construed as such. If you want to rewrite without the nicknames and negative comments about weight that had nothing to do with sex, feel free to repost. The way everyone else is doing it is a good model to follow. Thanks.
Cherrie: My expectation is that of course you're right...that the personality makes much more difference than the body. It's unfortunate that so many off us can't remember that and choose notn not to get past the body. I'm glad you can..
Re the skinny person breaking thing; it's probably just my own paranoia. I didn't feel this when I was skinny. But when I was heavier, one of my lovers was super skinny and I remember sometimes wondering if it would be too much weight for him in certain positions. I also remember seeing things like his arms shaking as he tried to brace himself in missionary position for long periods of time, which always made me concerned for him. But he never broke either, and he was an extraordinarily good lover. :)
Glad to read Helena's comment. I thought it was just me. Yes, chunky is NICE!
Let's be specific and start by quantifying my experience range.
Heaviest man/woman I've dated: probably my ex wife, five feet 10 inches and around 230 lbs for most of the time we were together. Cup size somewhere in the D's if that matters.
Lightest man/woman: Let's call her K, and she was five nine and some combination of skater/biker chick and was on the order of 100 lbs. I could literally lift her with one hand, and did, often. Again, Cup size in the A's if that matters.
My own height/weight: I'm 6 even, upper limit for my weight/waist size is about 220/36 inches, lowest weight 160/30 inches, I'm currently 190/30 inches and consider myself to be in good shape.
That done, let's answer your question.
Until you get to the edges of that range, it makes little difference and I don't in fact notice even when people I'm sleeping with lose/gain considerable weight. At the edges, I would say in retrospect that size does matter; at the upper end, there's no change in the sex organs and how they work, but there "access problems" in certain positions which I can't get into delicately. Many of these positions you just plain cannot do even if your partner is very flexible. And there are aesthetic/emotional considerations based on purely personal taste which I'll get into at the very end.
At the lower end, your experience of penetration itself changes. Some people I've talked to who have also experienced this enjoy it; I find it's not to my taste. There's also the fact that you are concerned that the person you're having sex with might be fragile relative to you.
My own preferences were never based on size, but I've started to care more and more about fitness and flexibility as I've had more experience.
I find that aesthetics plays a part in my arousal; For example, I bite, and I scratch, and I prefer firm flesh to bite into, which generally becomes rare at either extreme weight end. I like to try a lot of positions and for that I've found that generally a strong core is required; specifically, to shift from missionary to sitting positions as a woman, you've got to be able to do a balanced sit up quickly, and to go from sitting upright together into floating butterly but still upright you've got to be able to move both your legs while I'm still holding your ass with both hands, because my cock won't hold you up by itself and if I only use one hand you'll lose balance and fall over. This kind of activity only usually happens within a certain range.
Hope that's comprehensive/useful.
I'm fat, and the guys that got me off were muscular in build. Needless to say, I don't have a clue what they saw in me. One of them was drunk when he asked me out, so that rules out one.
"...One of them was drunk when he asked me out, so that rules out one..."
Not neccesarily, Seraphim, at all. Drunk people more than anyone tend to do what they really WANT to do rather than what they think everyone else thinks they should do. He might well have found you really hot.
Plus, there are so many other factors that enter into the decision. Attitude. Creativity. Agression, which I guess is still attitude but not quite, not always.
Great topic, Syl.
In a perfect world, we wouldn't judge based on appearances at all. But I think most people don't necessarily want a partner with an "ideal" body, but most do have criteria, whether weight, height, or honestly, race.
I've never dated a fat guy -- though slightly overweight ones, and my ex did gain a considerable amount at one point) -- nor have I dated a black guy.
I don't know what this means, but I'm getting uncomfortable.
ha! The best physical lover was a girl slightly taller than I and at least twice my weigth. She had it in all the right places but yes she was over weight. She was also incredibly flexible, intelligent, beautiful face, firm breasts, and great in the sack. You won't know until you try it but something has to click for it to work. For both of us it was the eyes. :-)
Ellie: I want nice!
Buck: (or should I call you "Buck du Soleil" after that acrobatic description?) Wow--a thoroughly thorough answer you gave me there.
I'm not sure I follow how penetration differs for very thin partners. Care to elaborate? I've also had an anonymous request passed on to me for you to elaborate on "floating butterfly," if you would be so kind.
Seraphimdeath: Maybe they saw YOU, and that's was enough. Many men find large women appealing physically. And many men also find not only body but inner essence appealing. And all the things Buck said. I hate to see you down yourself like that! Everyone has things that make them beautiful and sexy. And thanks for visiting.
Obliviion: Nice to meet you. Can I have the great in bed guy's number? Heh heh.
Hiromi: Ha, your last line made me laugh. Yeah, the heart wants what the heart wants. Even people who might normally not fit one's criteria sometimes do. I've had that happen occasionally. I wonder sometimes, though if some of our criteria are not so much based on sheer personal desire for what we personally want, but rather what we think we're supposed to want. Or what we're afraid to admit we want, because of what others will think, say, or do in response.
Collie: ou won't know until you try it but something has to click for it to work. For both of us it was the eyes. :-)
Yeah, this comment reminds me that I want to say that regardless of the many votes of confidence big partners are getting in this thread, I would never have sex with someone just for an "experiment" or "novelty." It'd have to be personality first, and appearance second. But based on these responses, if I meet a big guy with a mind (and eyes, sure) that turns me on, I am SO in there.
I do think it's sad based on this that so many fat people are written off before they even get the chance to express who they are under the skin.
It's worth noting that the guy who bruised me weighed, at the time, maybe five, ten pounds more than I do now, and is eight inches taller than I am. (I am, shall we say, not heavily built.) He's filled out in the intervening decade; I suspect he doesn't bruise his wife, but I'm not asking.
I'm trying to figure out how to phrase this next bit, and it's not coming out easily, so bear with me please:
I think one of the big cultural problems that this sort of question turns up is that it's damn sexy to be comfortable and confident in one's own body, and that's something that I feel that much surrounding culture actively tries to prevent in people in general, and fat people particularly.
There's also being comfortable in one's own sexuality, which can be related in part but is a bunch of other factors too -- again, something that's culturally difficult, and can be more so for some people. (I've seen a lot of people comment on how some folks treat them as if someone like them cannot possibly have sexual desires or be sexually attractive -- not just because of weight, though that's a damn common one.)
I suspect this has a big effect on people's sex lives in tremendously complicated ways. I know that ownership of my own sexuality has been a big problem for me, historically, and it messes me up pretty impressively at times; I know that one of the reasons I find my lover irresistable is that he is utterly unashamed of his.
way to oppress Castro Jr.
Tory: Comandante! Forgive me. I didn't realize it was you...
Again, sorry about that, T. But you *were* forewarned. And I repeat, you know I adore you and your Cuban ruler arse.
"...I'm not sure I follow how penetration differs for very thin partners. Care to elaborate? I've also had an anonymous request passed on to me for you to elaborate on "floating butterfly," if you would be so kind...."
====
I'd love to.
1) Thin partners: at the extreme end, Thin affects the padding of the outside of the mons in women as well as the fleshyness of the labia and vaginal canal themselves. The opening of the vagina doesn't feel snug anymore, it doesn't cling, and I've been told by most of my partners that my cock is pretty large, so if it feels that way for me....
Let's add to that that you also find yourself in contact with the pubic bone more often as well as the hip bones, and while I enjoy a bit of pain, neither of these appeals to me.
2) floating butterfly: The standard position is with the woman lying on her back, man over her missionary style. Now the woman tucks both her legs up to her chest as if to tuck'n'roll. The man's armpits go over the shins of the woman and around the outside.
Upright floating butterfly: Almost the same, except that now you need to support the woman. The man kneels japanese style, as if doing jujutsu drill. The woman's position is exactly the same, translated upright. The man's arms cup the woman's ass and he actually achieves thrust/penetration by raising and lowering her with his arms, unless she uses her hands to circle his neck and help out a bit. most of my favourite positions are sitting or upright, and this one feels amazing for both partners in my experience.
3) This wasn't asked for, but I forgot: inmy personal experience, I've enjoyed sex way more when I've been in shape. Again this boils down partly to aesthetics - I prefer my sensations intense, and being fitter affords me that on two levels. On one level, fat cushions the body and seems to deaden my nerves; take it away, and every touch, every caress, is felt so much more powerfully. second to that there's the ache in your muscles when you're fit and you're doing that little extra for your partner, which is an exquisite feeling. And not one that I've ever had when I've been even a little overweight. this is in fact one of my motivations for working out in the first place, and far from the least of them.
1) Thin partners: at the extreme end, Thin affects the padding of the outside of the mons in women as well as the fleshyness of the labia and vaginal canal themselves.
What??? That sounds anecdotal at best. It's like saying fat guys have fat cocks.
Hey hiromi, I'm not a gynecologist. I only speak from experience, and I laid that out carefully when I started as well as stating specifically that this was my experience only. I've had about 30 sexual partners and about 3 of them have been thin enough that I've experienced this. Since you brought it up.
Darkhawk: I apologize--somehow I seem to have missed your comment.
That is true--confidence can make a big difference in a sexual experience. Though I often think, despite the world on the outside, if one goes in unconfident, and has a good, confident, responsible partner, one can grow to become confident in their attractiveness and sexuality.
Buck: Thanks for the elaborations to me, the anonymous requester, and Hiromi. Speaking from my own personal experience as well, I don't feel like I've noticed any difference in tightness of entry when overweight vs. very thin. But of course, I don't know what it feels like to the person on the outside.
Re point #3: We can't always assume "in shape" and "fat" are mutually exclusive. Take sumo wrestlers, for example.
Hiromi: Buck answered you above, so no comment from me.
I've been with all shapes and sizes but one man in particular was very large- easily topped 400 pounds. Lovely fella...he was a Patron for about a year and a great guy. I called him "My Hero" because of the work he did for mankind. What a Sweetie...
Anyway....
It was very soft and yummy to feel all that flesh. The only challenges were that, like another comment above pertaining more to a woman, the area around his cock over the pubic bone, the hanging belly, the extra skin around the legs was very fleshy so his cock was buried in it a bit (don't know how else to describe it) so was smaller proportionately. We could only do woman on top or very carefully from behind. This was not a huge deterrent, just a consideration like it always is with penis/vagina variants of size and position for both. And..it could be that his cock was just small overall and this would have been a consideration no matter what the rest of his size.
*shrug* The guy I'm with now is a good forty to fifty pounds overweight, with a nice big Buddha belly and mantitties. I love, LOVE, sex with him, far better than I enjoyed sex with my previous partner (who was average, weight-wise). He just seems more ... present, I guess, more physically available and more appreciative.
He claims, Kevin Smith-style, that because he was fat he had to learn to make up for his lack of conventional attractiveness with other, more endearing features, such as an amazingly talented tongue, strong hands and fingers, and a willingness to please unmatched by any of my previous partners.
Granted, it helps that I find him physically attractive anyway ;)
I am what many ladies call "handsome"; though I am not fat, I am, regrettably, overweight--a problem for my ex who was a rather svelte person in the sense that she was rather slim. So, apart from the fact that she couldn't cum with vaginal sex, when she did encourage me to penetrate her, I weighed rather heavily on her--and I re-calle she sometimes complained about being "heavy". Even though she said she liked my size, cos it gave her security, she certainly disliked that I was big--understandably so.
I now have a girlfriend--much mor eloving, caring, and sexier than my ex--but on the heavier side. Suffice to say: sex with her is this side of heaven!! We have both agreed, though, that shedding a few pounds wouldn't hurt us! And, yeah, my gf does complain about her knees, too!!
Have you heard the "Fat Boys" songs by the Seattle-area group Uncle Bonsai???
As a bi woman, I can say that I've had experience with both sexes of both culturally yearned for shape and less so desired figures.
I don't think there is much difference in how a man fucks as far as whether he is an adonis or packing some pounds. I've been with both Mr. Muscle and the guy with a beer gut.
When it comes to women, I generally find that I am more attracted to the person than I am the figure. I don't want super model skinny and I like an average figure (read sizes 8 to 12) to make love to.
All of that being said, when browsing porn on the internet I am your typical pig. I want to see muscled men and sexy women. In reality though I am just a whore who will take on whatever comes my way! LOL
let me start by saying that:
A) i'm not a small girl. i'm 5'9", 180lbs., 36D, size 10-12 (depending on the bloat)
B) i've had 55 lovers, varying from uber-skinny (read: "you're bruising me here, mr. BONY!") to 70lbs. overweight.
i've found that regardless of body or cock size, weight status doesn't make you a better lover. my best lover was about 20-30 lbs. overweight with an 8.5" tool, but he was SO talented with his fingers there were times where intercourse wasn't even needed.
weight CAN hinder your sexual performance. the 'fat pad' which resides at a man's pelvic bone right at the root of his cock can make his cock appear smaller. no matter how deeply he penetrates, the fat pad can get in the way. the aforementioned incredible lover lost 20 lbs, and now claims his cock is over 9". he probably lost the fat pad (unfortunately, i'm back with Mr. Lola, so i can't experience that for myself!).
the last 'fat guy' i had sex with was about 50-60 lbs. overweight. it was difficult. i was doing a reverse cowgirl and i hurt my hipjoints trying to straddle him. his cock was average - around 6" or 6.5" - but i couldn't really feel much because my hips were always so spread during penetration in EVERY position. i'm not a 'roomy' girl down there, and usually wide leg spread = deeper penetration, but remember his pelvic fat pad was impeding his length. sorry situation.
there's also the stamina. huffing and puffing and sweating is not sexy when there's no pleasure arising from it.
another guy who was about 30-40 lbs. overweight left me with a cracked rib because missionary was his favourite position. it healed, but then he kept re-bruising it during sex. thankfully, that relationship wasn't very long-lasting ... even though he was. ow!
for me, being with a 'fat guy' is aesthetically not workable. i LOVE a gut on a guy as much as i love ripped abs, but fat rolls under the arms or on the back and the man-burbies are not a turn-on. they're not a deal-breaker if i really like someone, however.
I came here through sugasm! Great post, and I've really enjoyed the comments, and now I'll "weigh" in.
I'm 5foot6 and I weigh 237. I gained eighty pounds since I quit smoking 2 years ago. Although I miss being a size 12 (which, I'd like to let everyone know, is still smaller than "average" as the average american woman is a size 14, and approx 147 lbs last I heard), I have found that I feel healthier now that I don't smoke, even though I am now trying to lose the weight. Sex is MUCH better for me being a big woman, and I've had the same partner for 4 years which for me spans from a size 12 to a size 18. He's a skinny boy, and that's what I prefer. He's also an extraordinary lover, but at my current weight I find there's more padding over my clitoris. Not enough to be a hindrance, but just enough to cause more friction during missionary sex. Our other positions are much more fun, but one thing we've never done much of and certainly don't do much of now, is woman on top. I've never liked it, even when I was thinner. But now that I'm a much larger lady, I don't feel that stable on top, esp. since my partner is really skinny, it's harder to balance, and I am afraid I'll "crush" him.
I'll be interested to see how things develop as I continue to lose weight. I like sex no matter what, so being skinnier (although I'll never be "skinny") I know I'll still enjoy it. And I'll probably try being on top a little more.
After reading this I think I have more perspective on why my wife continues to practice procreation with me.
Props to the chubby brothas out there.
I've been with both skinny and larger men. I have to tell you that the pounding factor isn't size-relative but individual... vigor. Really skinny ex didn't pound that hard, bigger ex did, and my more muscular ex pounds even harder. So. I'd just have to say it's a personality thing. You're right though -- the cuddling is amazing.
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