Letting the Days Go By
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shackDid you ever have one of those moments where you're not doing anything particularly out of the ordinary, just doing what you normally do, like going to pick up a coffee, or taking out your keys as you walk toward your car in a parking lot, and then suddenly, you're just up above yourself, looking down at the physical being that is you, standing there, in that parking lot, and then looking out across everything that surrounds that being for miles and miles and miles? And you just kind of go, "Wow, is that me there? I can't even recognize myself. What the hell am I doing in that place? That's not what it's supposed to look like at all. That's not where I was supposed to be at all."
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, "Well...
How did I get here?"
And then of course, the question is:
Where am I supposed to be?[*]
And you may ask yourself, "What is that beautiful house?"
And you may ask yourself, "Where does that highway lead to?"
And you may ask yourself,"Am I right? Am I wrong?"
And you may tell yourself,
"My god!...What have I done?"
[*]And do I actually already know the answer to this, but am I just too afraid of the consequences of trying to make it possible?
posted by Miss Syl at 1:42 PM
8 Comments:
Oh god do I knwo that feeling.
Thanks, Karl Elvis. It's good to know that someone else undestands. And yet, bad! I wish for your sake you didn't understand.
I keep picturing those panorama boxes you had to make in grade school, all in a row at some school art show. And I'm a little figurine that some observer lifted out and carelessly plunked down in the wrong panorama box.
I'm gonna get myself back to the right panorama, though, dammit. And you should, too. And if we're lucky, maybe we'll be panorama box neighbors and we can stop by each other's boxes under the guise of needing to borrow some "sugar" or "power tools," and instead end up hanging out, talking into the wee hours, drinking scotch or sake, and listening to great music. Well, I don't know if your panorama box will have scotch, sake, and a fucking great music collection. But mine will.
Oddly enough, that song is sort of a themesong for an ex-boyfriend of mine. (When we managed to get back in touch recently, one of his first comments was "Same as it ever was.")
As for the "How did I get here?" feeling -- I actively cultivate boringness in my life. I like having things settled and calm and unexciting and at some levels predictable. I like knowing where things are; without that, I get insecure and kind of twitchy.
One of the extremely trippy things about my relationship with my lover -- I note we've been partnered for less than six months -- is that it does give me 'This is not my beautiful wife!' moments on occasion. Not as often as it used to -- we used to consistently have that reaction when having sex, which is good for sudden random (if slightly awkward) laughter -- but occasionally.
The reason is that we've known each other for several years, spent time in each other's company, talked, helped each other out, all these things, with no spark. When we started our relationship, it was a sort of lark, an attempt at going friends-with-benefits and seeing what happened from there. What happened from there was falling in love, which I'm still not *used* to, and this tremendously passionate sexual compatibility which we never had an inkling about before we were negotiating getting into bed together.
There is water at the bottom of the ocean. Dip deep.
On the lines of "How did I get here", I have to add -- when he and I have those moments, the joke for the expression of same is, "Stairs."
As in, curled up in the bedroom, baffled, "How did I get here?"
"I think we took the stairs."
I know how I got where I am at and I surely know how I got here. When i turned 19 or so, I looked around and wondered what had I accomplished since being out of school for 2 years. The answer is nothing. I then realized I had to go to college and stop all the partying to make anything out of myself. enrolled in college and never looked back.
Darkhawk: You tell some great stories. Finding myself in bed with a fabulous, passionate guy who matches me perfectly...I'd like to have *that* kind of "How did I get here?" My incredulousness wasn't of that kind.
Tory: Good for you. Yeah, a plan helps. Just sometimes, suddenly, it brings you to a road you hadn't expected. Then you have to decide whether you need to backtrack, keep going and see where that road leads, or choose a completely different destination.
I read the lyrics and thought 'shit, I was thinking about that song last week', true.
I've been getting that feeling more this year, than any other year and it's usually felt whenever a change is needed and everything around me (work, home) feels like stagnation or routine beyond words.
I read the lyrics and thought 'shit, I was thinking about that song last week', true.
Further proof of the clone theory, heh heh.
Yeah, me too about the this year thing. Well, I've felt it for a while in this very amorphous way, but now it all seems to be crystalizing in a way I can look at. I feel a big change coming on...
What that will be ultimately, I have no idea, but I think it will be a good thing.
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