Sunday, May 21, 2006

Thanks, a Clarification, and Goodnight.

Thanks to everyone who sent in a question and kept me typing rigorously through the weekend. It was fun, but I think it'll be a while before I do that again. It was way more labor-intensive than I thought it would be, and I didn't even have *that* many questions...

In any case, it's back to sex, relationships, and other life stuff for the next little while. (I know, what a relief, right? There's only so much "Dear Abby" shit you can take. Thanks for bearing with me.)

I also need to make a correction, and wanted to note it here. In my "The Final Cut" post a while back, I credited two quotes to Eleanor Roosevelt. I've since found my initial source was wrong and one of the quotes ("What is to give light must endure burning") was not from Eleanor, but from Dr. Viktor Emil Frankl, who was a neurologist, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor. It's still a great quote, but credit needs to be given where credit's due. I've corrected it in the original post, and sorry for the misinformation.

Today has not been a great day. Lately, as I've been working through some stuff, I have finally had some days of real optimism--which I'm grateful for, as it's been a while since I've felt like that. But I'm finding patterns are hard to break, and the non-optimism, no-way-out thing has become my pattern for way too many months of late. I guess it's easier to stay where you are, with what you've accustomed yourself to, than to suffer the exhaustion that comes with struggling every day to get yourself out of that. The result of this: it seems the minute I find anything optimistic, I then immediately find or do things to smash down and obliterate that thing. I think I'm afraid to hope for too much, so I'd rather destroy hope early than see it destroyed after I've actually begun to believe it's a reality.

I know this won't be the case forever. I *will* walk out into the light and open air eventually. And I'm committed to fighting until I punch my way through whatever wall I have to. But some days, you're just damn tired of bloodying your fists, y'know? Today, I felt like Beatrix waking up in that coffin in Kill Bill: Volume 2. She knows what she has to do, and she's going to do it, but man, is it going to be hard to get out above ground.

Let me tell you, I sure am waiting for the day I can walk on over to that empty diner and ask for my glass of water.

For the time being, though, I'll sleep on it and build my strength for another day's fight.

Until then...keep a glass out on the counter for me.

4 Comments:

Blogger spcknght said...

Just remember you don't fight this battle alone. Bendable ear here, as always--crooked halo and all.

Rest easy, and have a great day today.

5/22/2006 12:50 AM  
Blogger Evil Minx said...

I don't know if you realise how poignantly your words ring. Nor how accurately and eloquently you describe the feeling with which i, and i presume many others also, are assailed every day.

"I guess it's easier to stay where you are, with what you've accustomed yourself to, than to suffer the exhaustion that comes with struggling every day to get yourself out of that. The result of this: it seems the minute I find anything optimistic, I then immediately find or do things to smash down and obliterate that thing."

Beautifully put. As always. And i have not only a glass, but a nice fresh bottle of sparkling mineral water waiting, with your name written all over it.

5/22/2006 2:36 AM  
Blogger Shon Richards said...

I'll save you two glasses :)

Being optimistic is best seen as a habit you build and there are no thing as a set back. Just keep at the practice and take frequent breaks.

5/22/2006 4:08 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Thanks, you sweet people. My day today was definitely better--not grand, but not bad. Even keel. Which I would say is an improvement. :)

And just for the record, though I'd take anything Minx offered me, I'm not a sparkling or mineral water girl. I like still spring water, very cold. 'Cause you know, I run deep. ;-) (And because i have difficulty drinking carbonated stuff.)

5/22/2006 9:51 PM  

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