Monday, March 13, 2006

It's all about meme

I've grown to believe that the thing you're most afraid of or most want to avoid is actually the most important thing you should do or confront. So I'm trying to do everything that scares me most. This leaves me feeling somewhat scared a lot lately, but the end results are usually good.

With that in mind, I'm tackling this meme I found on AlwaysArousedGirl, who got it from Darkneuro, both of whom I should thank for the good idea.

I really don't want to post this. So that's why I'm going to. Feel free to try it yourself, too.

(And also it kind of reminds me of the whole concept behind Postsecret, which I absolutely adore.)

So. here goes.

List ten things you want to say to people you know but you never will, for whatever reason.

Don't say who they are.

Use each person only once.

  1. I think you are a weak man; you didn’t have the stamina to stand up for me when it really mattered. I always felt people thought I was too smart and too intense for you, and I constantly felt like I had to justify you to them. But deep down I agreed with them. You were never enough for me, either sexually or intellectually. That's why we really broke up, not because you lied. I just pretended to myself and to you that that was the real reason so I could feel less shallow.

  2. I've had recurring dreams where you're aggressively hitting on me. I never like it. That freaks me out.

  3. I had a dream where we were having sex. I liked it. That freaks me out.

  4. I know it's not fair, but I don't care. I *do* blame you. I feel like you set me up like a lamb to the slaughter. And then when I was bleeding and needed you most, you left me to take care of myself. Part of me just can't stop hating you for this. Sometimes I feel physical revulsion when I think about you. Stop trying to get me to reassure you it wasn’t your fault. It’s not my job to reassure you or protect you. That was your job, and you failed.

  5. In my whole life, you were the only person who I ever really thought I could feel anything close to real, true, transcendent, unadulterated love for, even though I never told you because I was certain you'd leave me. I yearned for you for a long time after we split up, though I never told you that, either. Some small part of me may still be in love with you even now. I hate that. I wish that part would shrivel up and die.

  6. You were absolutely right. Part of why I moved far away was to get away from you. More than once, I’ve fantasized about what it would be like if you died, because I think that's the only way I'll feel completely free from all your crap.

  7. Talking to you makes me hope for things I’m terrified I’ll never get.

  8. I'm jealous that you have a life I'm not even sure I want.

  9. I'm sorry. I feel like an evil person for what I did to you. I hope you're okay now.

  10. I knew you liked me. I pretended I was clueless because I was afraid. Now I realize what a huge mistake that was.
There now. I only cheated once--someone on there has two entries.

Hm. I feel like this list looks really imbalanced, because it doesn't have a lot of positive things. But I never keep the good things I want to say to people inside. I always share those. So, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) it's only the negative things that made the list.


Blogger AlwaysArousedGirl said...

I love your #7. I feel like that all the time about someone.

Love it!

3/13/2006 9:54 PM  
Blogger Darkneuro said...

So, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) it's only the negative things that made the list.

But that's the good thing about it... Get it out of your head. Feels good, doesn't it? Just saying it?

3/13/2006 10:55 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

AAG: Thanks. Yeah, I can't that a good or bad feeling?

Darkneuro: It does feel good, I think. Though it also kind of makes me wish I had the guts or opportunity to actually say these things to a few of these people. Maybe I will, in the end.

I just got bummed for a moment because all these other people who also did it after you did were writing things like, "You make me happier than life itself" in theirs. And I'm sitting there writing "I fantasize about you dying." Made me sound a little scary, heh heh.

But ultimately, I'm glad I've told anyone who's making me happy that they are.

3/13/2006 11:44 PM  
Blogger Karl Elvis said...

That there's powerful stuff, Missy. Raw. I like.

3/13/2006 11:48 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Thanks, Karl Elvis.

3/14/2006 12:22 AM  
Anonymous Tory said...

Maybe because i am a tactless prick but i dont see why you couldnt say those things to those people. if it is the truth and they cant handle it. fuck'em.

That is cuel you tackled something that scared you. Now maybe you stop lugging all that baggage around cuz i know it gets heavy after a while.

3/14/2006 3:18 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Tory: You're right, it does get heavy, but I'm working on it.

Why don't I just say these things? Hm.

Well, some I might get around to saying, exactly as is. Some of the people on the list I wouldn't be able to find anymore to tell. And some of them I think I can say these things to, but it would have to be in less angry and more constructive ways. Being angry at someone rarely gets them to change--mostly it only gets them defensive, and then they can't hear you. But it does feel good to be able to admit I'm angry in this forum, even if I can't give someone the full force of that in real life.

And of course, the short answer is, probably, that I'm afraid of the potential consequences or fallout of saying some of these things. I tend to be pretty up front with people when I can. But sometimes, for whatever reason, you decide you're not ready to rock your life foundation *quite* that much.

Plus, I think everyone is allowed a few secrets no one else gets to have. :)

Thanks for your comment.

3/14/2006 9:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your opening paragraph... is so true. I am just learning this...

thank you

3/15/2006 5:48 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Thanks Needra. I'm always still learning it, too. Sometimes it's easier to give in to your fear than to confront things, but it's never better. Keep being brave. It pays off.



3/16/2006 3:16 AM  
Blogger Blue Gal said...

I can only think of one at the moment: "You and I both know that when you say, say hi to the family, what you're really saying is, I think about you when I'm in the shower."

I don't think he would recognize himself, tho.

Great response to a great meme.

3/18/2006 7:37 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Blue Gal: Thanks. Lucky you, only having one!

3/19/2006 12:09 AM  

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