Sunday, March 19, 2006

What We Talk About When We Talk About Fantasies

You know how when you're a kid, you assume everyone's family runs like yours, no matter how screwed up your household is, because you have no other basis for comparison? Do you remember the first time you realized that someone else's family dynamic was totally different than yours--which had to mean your family didn't have to operate the way it did?

That came as a shock to me as a kid. I still remember how powerful the impact of that realization was.

I had a similar response when I realized not everyone fantasizes in the same way. I'd always assumed everyone did the same thing as I did when they fantasized.

The "eureka" moment that this was not actually so came while I was in bed with a lover to whom I frequently used to tell my fantasies to get him aroused. One night, I asked him to relate a fantasy to me that he'd always imagined. And he said, "You know, I don't do that the way you do. I don't think up stories. I just think about people I've been with, and things I've done with them, and re-visualize the whole thing, as it happened."

I never do that. My method usually goes one of two ways:
  1. I visualize/make up detailed scenarios involving myself and an imaginary man. Or woman. Or men. Or women. Or men and women. But the largest majority of the time, it's one imaginary man. He may be a stranger, his face unseen to me in the dark as he does things to me, all sensation only. Or he may be fully fleshed out physically and given a name and a role (teacher, virgin, etc.).

  2. I visualize/make up detailed stories about doing things with someone I know. But they are never things I've already done with the person. They're always fantasies about new, uncharted territory. What we could be doing. Things I could tell my lover in bed, or write to him, that are fresh, new, fodder for his and my imagination.
In either case, it seems I always imagine up something that has never happened--my erotic fantasies are always sheer fiction, even if they involve a real person. And while I certainly enjoy thinking back about great sex I've had with current or past partners, I don't use those memories to get myself aroused.

I don't know why this is. But it's interesting, knowing that not everyone's brain works the same way.

How do you fantasize? Do you look forward or back, or both? Do you think about things you've done, or things you haven't done yet? Or both? Do you invent new stories and scenarios? Do you invent imaginary lovers? Are all your fantasy lovers people you know? Are all of them complete strangers? Do you even think of people at all? Do you prefer actual images to stories in your head? Do you even fantasize at all?

I'd like to hear what kinds of variety are out there. (Now that I know not everyone is just like me.)

Remember, you can choose to post anonymously if you feel it's too personal to attach a name to.

(Photo credit:
Dream #32, by ::oscar::)


Blogger Ellie said...

Thank ou for including that final question: "Do you even fantasize at all?" ... If you hadn't I would have felt freakish and excluded, because truthfully, I don't fantasize; not sexually anyway. I fantasize about myself having a different job, about being a different person, about having a different family. Before falling asleep I fantasize about things I'd like to dream about. But I never fantasize about sex. When I masturbate, I need my mind to be go blankly black ... images just distract me from the task at hand. There you go ... I'm proud to be the first to have spilled this particular can of beans! ;-)


3/19/2006 12:37 PM  
Blogger Karl Elvis said...

I sort of do both things - re-play particularly hot memories, or use them as a basis for fantasy expansion - and make up scenes from pure imagination.

I had a friend ask me to describe my own auto-erotic fantasies, and the funny thing was that I realized the fantasies had nothing to do with narrative; they usually were not even linear. They're based on a who not a what. It's a particular person I hold in my head; sometimes real people I know (some I know that way, some I'd just like to), sometimes a fantasy creation. But the fantasy is always based on the specific person, not based on what we do or where or how we do it. The images may change kaleidoscopically, or stay one one particular image.

It's funny, though, when I try to fantasize about people I know but have never met. Unless I've seen pictures that allow them to fully populate my visual imagination, it's often a weirdly soft-focus fantasy. I have trouble with a solid image without enough visual reference, and it makes for a much more hallucinogenic fantasy.

3/19/2006 1:38 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Ellie: How interesting! I'm just the opposite. If I can't imagine the sight, sound, touch involved, I can't even remotely get where I need to be.

I'm proud of you, too! Nothing to feel freakish about--everyone's just different. Bet there are lots of other people who are like that.

I make up stories to myself all day, so it's not surprising that I would do so about sex, too.

3/19/2006 2:46 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Karl Elvis: That's interesting. So the image of what's going on between you can rapidly change, but the person stays consistent? Cool.

I think I've switched fantasy scenarios with the person mid-session, but I think what you're describing is kind of different. I'll change the whole scene, setting, personality of what's going on. Sounds to me like maybe you just change the *act* of what's going on.

Yep, when I fantasize about someone I "know," it could be "know" in either sense you describe. And with people I know but haven't met (especially haven't seen), I think I tend to go much more sensation-based. I tell myself a story, but it's kind of "in the dark" in my head. I can't see it happening. Instead, I imagine more the *feel* of it happening--what their hands, or body, or mouth would *feel* like on me in the set-up I've created, rather than creatin g a specific image of the person to "look" at in my head.

In fact, I imagine/feel a great number of sensory things in any fantasy--I don't just do pictures in my head. I imagine touch and sound always, and sight when possible, and sometimes even scent and taste.

Mmm, now I'm getting all carnal just thinking about thinking about fantasizing. The brain is an amazing thing.

3/19/2006 2:57 PM  
Anonymous Darkhawk said...

I'm a consent fetishist -- I don't even dream about people in sexual situations without consent to the stuff. (I discovered this when I was curled up with my now-ex-boyfriend before we had clearance for sex. We went to sleep, and I'm curled up around him and full of his scent and tremendously lustful, and I dream of ... a very sexually charged lunch at a Chinese restaurant. Go figure.)

The other thing is that my sexual response is pretty much keyed to partners; I can find random people attractive in the "I'd hang that on my wall, sure" sense, but I don't find them sexy. For me to get the sexiness, I have to have some level of personal connection.

In practice, these mean that my fantasies are constructed largely out of things that have been done with a leavening of things that have been discussed -- I splice memories, more or less. I don't fantasise often, it's generally a 'telling myself stories while I'm going to sleep' thing.

I actually had some level of story-construction fantasies when I was much younger. I don't know if I lost that capacity as a consequence of assault or just don't feel like bothering anymore. Those were all kink scenarios; the plotting was basically just an excuse to set up the situation that I found hot. (I can do the same stuff without the fictionalising these days just riffing memories....)

3/19/2006 4:45 PM  
Blogger Anastasia said...

I had a detailed fantasy script before I became sexually active: place, detailed gestures, even a script of what they'd say to me.

After I became sexually active, however, I honed in on the hot moments and stored those moments away to refer to. Sometimes, the odd occasion, if I see certain features of a person, I'll use that as mastubatory fodder. A nice pair of hands on a male, will, set it off nicely for me but the fantasy will be a digital one, not a full blown sex scene, with a climactic end, it will be (in that situation) digital stimulation where the hands predominate.

3/19/2006 6:05 PM  
Anonymous Hiromi said...

This is gonna be sad: I only fantasize when I'm not really into the guy. If I am, then I just enjoy what we're doing.

3/19/2006 9:03 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Darkhawk: Sexually charged Chinese food sounds alright to me. I could get me a nice fantasy around some dim sum, for sure. And wow, it sounds like you have some mighty fine memories if they're hot enough that you have no more need for fiction. Go, DH.

Anastasia: Interesting, same as Darkhawk--the way you fantasized changed after you became more sexually active. I'm not sure mine's changed so much as gotten more complex and variegated. And well, obviously, before I had sex, there were fewer men I knew that I would have fantasized about.

Hiromi: Girl, every time you post something you always start out with a disclaimer or apology. You crack me up. I don't think I fantasize when the person's actually there with me, ever, though I'll share a fantasy I've got stored in the mental filing cabinet when requested. But when they're there, I"m just focusing on what's going on, too. So okay, let's say you're really into the guy but he's away for a week. What do you do then?

3/19/2006 10:49 PM  
Anonymous Hiromi said...

I meant *during* sex.

3/20/2006 2:05 AM  
Anonymous Hiromi said...

Oh, duh... you meant while whacking off -- then good times with that particular person, with other characters added when needed.

3/20/2006 2:11 AM  
Anonymous Tory said...

I tend to think about past experiences. Maybe if my experiences were duller I might have to use my imagination but reality keeps me content and some. Every once in a great while, when an extraordinary woman walks into my life I might wonder how things are going to play out. Thinkin about some woman i have already been with is far more exciting than to think about someone I will never be with. I am a realist.

3/20/2006 3:06 AM  
Anonymous Cherrie said...

What an interesting thread! I'm all over the map on this. Sometimes I'm just into my partner(s) of the moment. Sometimes I remember previous peaks of performance and mentally try to get to the same place. Most often, though, I randomly fantasize about future trysts with people I know, or want to know better.

This weekend I had a particularly hot fantasy about an MFM threesome involving my main man and a particular outside lover I've been seeing. As my man was slamming me doggie-style, I was fantasizing about sucking the cock of my lover at the same time. Between gasps and moans, I told my man in great detail how I would stroke, lick and nibble on my lover's length while thrusting my ass against my man's bod. It was so much fun for both of us that maybe we can make it really happen!

3/20/2006 8:15 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...


"...good times with that particular person, with other characters added when needed."

"And then, suddenly--'OMG, what is that UPS guy doing in the bedroom watching us??? Ooooh...with his sexxxxy brown shorts...and that HOT electronic confirmation pad...'"

3/20/2006 11:08 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Tory: Realists fanatasizing. Sounds like a contradiction in terms, but of course it's not.

All you people, with your "my sex life is so exciting I never have to make up any fantasies, I only have to remember what I've already done."

Man, either my imagination is just WAY more overactive than most, or I need to start feeling inadequate.

Of course, sometimes I fantasize about doing something I've already done, but with a new/different partner, so there is some overlap...and some fantasies keep coming back for more, and I never get tired of them.

3/20/2006 11:12 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Cherrie: Now *that* sounds like a nice fantasy. That's the fabulous thing about fantasies, the reality of mechanics never has to figure into it. It always goes smoothly, and everyone gets off at just the right moment.

You should write up that fantasy in your blog, if you have one. Sounds like you could really get into describing it, and I'm sure people would really get into reading it.

3/20/2006 11:15 AM  
Anonymous Cherrie said...

Thank you for the kind comments, Miss Syl!

I've held off blogging because I don't think I have the time to do a proper job of it, but maybe someday I'll take the plunge. Meanwhile, these comments are serving as training wheels till I get the irresistable urge to go solo . . .

And you're right about the logistics. My lovers are scattered all over the country (and world), and our relationships tend to be "same time next year" friendships.

3/21/2006 12:10 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Cherrie: Sounds like a clever plan.

3/21/2006 12:56 AM  
Anonymous Tory said...

It isnt a contradiction but rather duality at work. One might fantasize about the local checker at the supermarket and some people fantasize because they would rather play it safe than actually deal with rejection. For me, if i find a woman very attractive then I will approach and see what happens. There is no need for me to live out what ifs in my mind.

For the people who live in their fantasies it is just a cop out. Why would I fantasize about having a 3some or being in a certain place when i can just make it happen?

3/21/2006 2:49 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Tory: Myself, I like having both, reality and fantasy. I don't just fantasize about people I could have, I fantasize about people I *do* have, while I have them (not while I'm in the act with them, unless you count role-playing stuff, but while we're in a sexual relationship).

But I'm just prone to storytelling. I know not everyone is. :)

3/21/2006 10:54 PM  

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