Put Your Snake in my Pussy
Since the last few posts were kind of heavy, something a little more light-hearted today.
I've been thinking of all the odd euphemisms people come up with for our private parts. And then thinking about the combinations you can make with those nicknames that can really take you out of the moment and make you think, "huh," rather than "ooooohhhh." Terms that don't quite mix right when you put 'em together. Or that sound funny. Or that sound just scary, scary wrong.
For instance:
- Put your snake in my pussy (yrrooowwwl..."No animals were harmed in the making of this porno; only kitties over the age of 18 with no gag reflex were used.")
- Wiener in a hair pie (dare you to bring this one to the office potluck)
- His ding-dong between her chi-chis (Charo lives!)
- He took his heat-seeking missle and aimed it straight at the man in the boat ("Department of Homeland Security, we're at Code Red")
- The one-eyed wonder worm invades the Mound of Venus (think I actually saw this one once on "Mystery Science Theater 3000")
Don't be afraid to be creative. Complex sentences full of perverse sexual deviance and freaky nicknames of all varieties are heartily encouraged. Nothing is too bizarre. Wow me.
The challenge is raised! Don't let me down, people. I could use a good laugh.
posted by Miss Syl at 10:54 PM
13 Comments:
Romancing simplicity: Ahahaha. That is about the funniest thing I ever heard. It's a good thing you didn't get confused by all this metaphor as a kid. I can just picture the confusion on your first boyfriend's face if you'd been on the couch, things were getting hot and heavy, and suddenly you jumped up and insisted you couldn't go any farther, because you if he didn't like eating olives, then you damn well weren't making spaghetti.
My least favorite genitalia euphemisms are of the Kama Sutra faux-oriental sort - lingam, yoni, jeweled pillar, maiden gate, dewy peony, that kind of crap.
I hatehatehate automobile-related sex metaphors - lubricating or oiling various engine parts, pumping pedals, looking under your hood, pistons popping, anything nitro or turbo or overdrive or rev.
Tried to mix the two, with a warfare-related metaphor, but nothing gelled.
Hiromi: Nitro-burning dewy peony? That sounds pretty nasty to me.
Peronally, one I've always thought was beyond gross was "mud flaps."
But then look at this that I just found. Some of these are truly foul. (Piss fenders? Hatchet wound??? Though, "slice of heaven" is kind of nice.)
Wow, syl, those are just fuckin' nasty. I actually know a (gay) man who uses the term 'beef curtains', but he always gets slugged (by me) when he says it.
Karl Elvis: Beef curtains. Ack. Though I suppose if you REALLY were a meat and potatoes guy, maybe that would be a compliment?
Oh, Syl, that list is rank!
I've known people who like to give personal names to their private parts. One guy, for reasons I couldn't fathom, called his cock "Smirnoff." And, of course, there's the ever-popular "Mr. Happy."
That's too cute. "Cock," "dick," pussy" and "cunt" work for me.
Moving a foot or two north, I remember hearing on the radio, several years ago, someone impersonating Bill Clinton ramble through a similarly long list of breast nicknames ("I love tits, tonks, headlights, racks, hooters, honkers . . .") It was absolutely hilarious! I wonder if it's posted somewhere on the Internet for us to enjoy . . .
Cherrie: Tonks? Like the chick from Harry Potter?
My man uses "tonks" to describe my rather ample mammary glands. I'm not sure where he picked that one up. Maybe he listened to the "Bill Clinton" piece more carefully than I did.
Cherrie: Well, that's a new one for me! I wonder if breasts are smaller in size if there are tonkies or tonkettes instead of full on tonks.
I've named my boyfriend's dick "Yggdrasil", and he's named my breasts "Optimus Prime" and "Aurora McJesus". We are strange people.
It would not be anywhere near as funny if a W impersonator tried it.
kxo: Strange is good. But how on earth does one pronounce "Yggdrasil?"
Romancing Simplicity: Well, if I can't have any of my own, I'm glad I've at least been the catalyst of someone else's relationship levity. Hope it got him to "dish it up" for you.
Cherrie: I'm lost on the whole Clinton/W/Tonks thing...
You had to be there, I guess.
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