Saturday, April 01, 2006

Put Your Snake in my Pussy


Since the last few posts were kind of heavy, something a little more light-hearted today.

I've been thinking of all the odd euphemisms people come up with for our private parts. And then thinking about the combinations you can make with those nicknames that can really take you out of the moment and make you think, "huh," rather than "ooooohhhh." Terms that don't quite mix right when you put 'em together. Or that sound funny. Or that sound just scary, scary wrong.

For instance:
  • Put your snake in my pussy (yrrooowwwl..."No animals were harmed in the making of this porno; only kitties over the age of 18 with no gag reflex were used.")

  • Wiener in a hair pie (dare you to bring this one to the office potluck)

  • His ding-dong between her chi-chis (Charo lives!)

  • He took his heat-seeking missle and aimed it straight at the man in the boat ("Department of Homeland Security, we're at Code Red")

  • The one-eyed wonder worm invades the Mound of Venus (think I actually saw this one once on "Mystery Science Theater 3000")
So, now it's your turn. Just for fun, tell me the weirdest nicknames you know of for the penis and vagina (and breasts and testicles, if you want to go all out). Or even better, what are the strangest combinations of nicknames you can string together? Extra points for whomever comes up with the longest extended mixed "it's just wrong" metaphor.

Don't be afraid to be creative. Complex sentences full of perverse sexual deviance and freaky nicknames of all varieties are heartily encouraged. Nothing is too bizarre. Wow me.

The challenge is raised! Don't let me down, people. I could use a good laugh.

15 Comments:

Blogger Romancing Simplicity said...

Okay this one (hopefully) isn't the strangest one you'll come across, but when I was little, my neighbors (who were like a second set of parents) had a whole food scenario for sex and body parts. I don't remember all the details of it anymore, but I know sauce was sperm, noodles were a man's penis, the bowl was a woman's vagina, olives were her clit, meatballs were his balls, tomatoes were her breasts, spaghetti was sex as a general act, etc. There was more to it, like "boiling the noodles" was giving him a handjob to make him hard, and "mixing up a sauce" was a blowjob, and afterwards she'd "taste it" to decide whether or not she wanted him to blow his load in her mouth or she needed to get out the tissues. And "dishing it up" was putting out, etc.

Anyway, my neighbor was who my mom referred me to for alot of my sex education, so you'd think I'd remember this stuff but I really don't. I do know that my sisters and I bought her a picture of Lady and the Tramp eating spaghetti and had it framed for the two of them lol. Last I heard, they spent the whole night making spaghetti to celebrate it. And I definitely don't look at pasta dinners the same way...=D

4/02/2006 7:09 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Romancing simplicity: Ahahaha. That is about the funniest thing I ever heard. It's a good thing you didn't get confused by all this metaphor as a kid. I can just picture the confusion on your first boyfriend's face if you'd been on the couch, things were getting hot and heavy, and suddenly you jumped up and insisted you couldn't go any farther, because you if he didn't like eating olives, then you damn well weren't making spaghetti.

4/02/2006 10:33 AM  
Anonymous Hiromi said...

My least favorite genitalia euphemisms are of the Kama Sutra faux-oriental sort - lingam, yoni, jeweled pillar, maiden gate, dewy peony, that kind of crap.

I hatehatehate automobile-related sex metaphors - lubricating or oiling various engine parts, pumping pedals, looking under your hood, pistons popping, anything nitro or turbo or overdrive or rev.

Tried to mix the two, with a warfare-related metaphor, but nothing gelled.

4/02/2006 11:43 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Hiromi: Nitro-burning dewy peony? That sounds pretty nasty to me.

Peronally, one I've always thought was beyond gross was "mud flaps."

But then look at this that I just found. Some of these are truly foul. (Piss fenders? Hatchet wound??? Though, "slice of heaven" is kind of nice.)

4/02/2006 3:02 PM  
Blogger Karl Elvis said...

Wow, syl, those are just fuckin' nasty. I actually know a (gay) man who uses the term 'beef curtains', but he always gets slugged (by me) when he says it.

4/02/2006 5:51 PM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Karl Elvis: Beef curtains. Ack. Though I suppose if you REALLY were a meat and potatoes guy, maybe that would be a compliment?

4/02/2006 6:21 PM  
Blogger Cherrie said...

Oh, Syl, that list is rank!

I've known people who like to give personal names to their private parts. One guy, for reasons I couldn't fathom, called his cock "Smirnoff." And, of course, there's the ever-popular "Mr. Happy."

That's too cute. "Cock," "dick," pussy" and "cunt" work for me.

Moving a foot or two north, I remember hearing on the radio, several years ago, someone impersonating Bill Clinton ramble through a similarly long list of breast nicknames ("I love tits, tonks, headlights, racks, hooters, honkers . . .") It was absolutely hilarious! I wonder if it's posted somewhere on the Internet for us to enjoy . . .

4/03/2006 12:58 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Cherrie: Tonks? Like the chick from Harry Potter?

4/03/2006 1:01 AM  
Blogger Cherrie said...

My man uses "tonks" to describe my rather ample mammary glands. I'm not sure where he picked that one up. Maybe he listened to the "Bill Clinton" piece more carefully than I did.

4/04/2006 12:18 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Cherrie: Well, that's a new one for me! I wonder if breasts are smaller in size if there are tonkies or tonkettes instead of full on tonks.

4/04/2006 12:25 AM  
Anonymous kxo said...

I've named my boyfriend's dick "Yggdrasil", and he's named my breasts "Optimus Prime" and "Aurora McJesus". We are strange people.

4/04/2006 6:44 AM  
Blogger Romancing Simplicity said...

LOL yeah so after this post dragged up the memories about the big spaghetti metaphor, I told my boyfriend about it last night.

I swear, the man has never laughed so hard in all his life.

Thanks for bringing up that memory, however bizarre it may have been!

RYC, Cherrie: I'm a little bummed I missed that Clinton announcement; sounds hilarious! =)

4/04/2006 11:19 AM  
Blogger Cherrie said...

It would not be anywhere near as funny if a W impersonator tried it.

4/05/2006 12:20 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

kxo: Strange is good. But how on earth does one pronounce "Yggdrasil?"

Romancing Simplicity: Well, if I can't have any of my own, I'm glad I've at least been the catalyst of someone else's relationship levity. Hope it got him to "dish it up" for you.

Cherrie: I'm lost on the whole Clinton/W/Tonks thing...

4/05/2006 1:02 AM  
Blogger Cherrie said...

You had to be there, I guess.

4/05/2006 8:19 AM  

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