Monday, July 31, 2006

How to Talk Dirty: Lesson 1 - Introduction

One of the top searches that brings people my blog (after “blowjob tips” and “cunnilingus tips,” surprise, surprise) are phrases like “how to talk dirty,” “what to say in dirty talk,” “how do I talk dirty to boyfriend in bed,” “how do I get her to talk dirty,” etc.

So, I’m starting to get the hint that there are a lot of people out there who are looking for some practical advice on how to talk dirty. Unfortunately, however, when they search this term and my blog comes up, they don’t get a post on how to talk dirty. Instead, it takes them to a post about the worst things that people have been told in bed.

For some reason, every time I see this happen on my stats, it dismays me. I keep imagining all these earnest people, all hopefully looking for some practical advice, and landing on a page where they’re only shown all the things they might already be doing wrong. So I feel as a pretty damn accomplished dirty talker and a reasonably accomplished teacher, that I should bow to my readers’ needs and do a little series on how get your filthy-tongued mojo working.

This post will be just an introduction to the subject, and then others will follow. We’ll begin with a few FAQs.

Why do people want to talk dirty or have me talk dirty to them? What’s the benefit of it?
Quite simply, it adds a little spice, and gets the person you’re talking to more highly aroused. There’s nothing like having the right person murmur, growl, moan, or scream the right thing in your ear at just the right time. It can make the difference between good sex and mind-blowing sex.

Plus, for many, besides being an aural stimulant, dirty talk can also be a big ego booster—a.k.a. aphrodisiac. For most guys, hearing how big and hard their cock is in the midst of fucking is going to make both their pride and their big, hard cock swell. For most women, hearing just how much you love fucking her is going to make her love fucking you.

As to why people talk dirty to you, probably because they think you’ll find it sexy, and because it makes them feel sexy to say certain things in bed that they imagine saying in their fantasies.

But isn’t it belittling?
Not if you know the person likes it and wants to hear it, and if you say the right thing for that person (and for you). Keep in mind that there is a wide range of dirty talk, from the mild (“Oh please, harder!”) to the hardcore (“You’re daddy’s little cum slut, aren’t you?”). Every individual’s preferences for dirty talk falls somewhere on that continuum, and wherever that point is for that person, anything you say lower on the scale will generally be a turn on, and anything higher will potentially be belittling or just too extreme. As a responsible partner, it’s your job to figure out where on the scale your partner’s preference falls, and not to go beyond that into turn-off or humiliation territory. (I’ll give you tips on how to figure out your partner’s threshold in a future lesson.)

In the same way, you will have comfort zones for what you want to hear or say. Your partner’s responsibility is to learn those—but it’s also your responsibility to communicate them gently and respectfully, but firmly. Never feel you have to say or be told anything that makes you feel bad, or that takes you way out of your comfort zone.

But I’m shy. Just the thought of talking dirty takes me out of my comfort zone.
That’s not unusual. Many people are embarrassed by dirty talk. That’s probably because they’ve been taught it’s wrong, or that nice or loving people don’t talk like that to each other. And some people are embarrassed because they don’t know what to say or how to respond, and think they may sound stupid.

But keep in mind that being embarrassed and being turned off or freaked out by it are two different things. If you’re merely feeling shy or embarrassed but you wish you could do it or try it even so, don’t worry—you’re ready to do it. With a little practice and adopting the right attitude (which again, you’ll learn how to do in an upcoming lesson), you’ll be able to be talking dirty with the best of us.

Now, on the other hand, if the thought of doing it or hearing it makes you feel sick to your stomach and as if you never want to have sex again, talking dirty is just not for you, and you and your partner will just have to just accept that. Everyone likes different things. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Why won’t my girlfriend/boyfriend talk dirty to me? How can I make her/him?
As stated above, if your partner seems to have difficulty talking dirty, it’s probably because he or she is embarrassed by and/or inexperienced with dirty talk and is afraid of sounding stupid if he or she says the wrong thing. No one wants to look stupid or turn their partner off in bed. Plus, many people were never taught to be verbal in bed, and so the impulse may not come naturally to them.

In answer to the second question, you should never “make” your partner do anything he or she doesn’t want to. But if your partner seems willing to participate but hesitant about how to do so, that’s another story. In that case, you should treat the situation the same way you would treat having sex with a virgin. Your partner is a dirty talk virgin, and he/she’s afraid he’ll/she’ll come off bad in bed. It’s your job as the more experienced lover to gently tutor him/her and help him/her along slowly and patiently, step by step, until he/she feels comfortable going "all the way."

And speaking of which, listen and listen good: if you try to make your partner feel bad or guilty for not doing it, or criticize his or her technique when he/she tries to, they’re going to shut down and you’re never going to get any. And you’d deserve it. So they key is to praise what they’re doing well, and don’t force or criticize technique.

Isn’t talking dirty sort of a natural talent thing—either you have it or you don’t?
Not really. Like any skill, some people are born with a natural gift for lascivious lingo, and it just rolls off their tongue with no conscious thought or effort. But if that’s not the case for you, never fear. It’s a skill that can be learned. It’s all in getting comfortable--and hot, and confident in your own sexual self. Like any other skill, you study up, you practice, you make a few false starts, and eventually you get good at it until you're one of the people who looks like he or she’s been doing it naturally all along.

That’s all for tonight.

**Next lesson: Embracing Your Inner Dirty Talker**

For the time being, I’d love to hear if this post/series seems useful or interesting to anyone who’s reading, or if anyone has any advice to add to any of the FAQs above.

(Photo credit: [Talking Dirty] by jehza)


Blogger DrM2B said...

Right on!.... you point out the most important thing...comfort ...and baby steps....if done with patience & encouragement...raunchy hawt monkey love talk can be a part of any partnering...even for the novice.......I cant wait to read the next installment =)

*oh...and when you do get a chance to get busy with the group of women who write for AAG me!...I wanna play too!...LOL

8/02/2006 1:06 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

DrM2B: Thanks. Ha!@"raunchy hawt monkey love talk."

*And sorry, but I'm a one-blog-group woman. AAG is all mine! No sharing!

8/02/2006 9:04 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Oh, okay, I've rethought. She wouldn't want me to be so selfish. Sharing!

8/02/2006 9:05 AM  
Blogger Karl Elvis said...

I find it somewhat incomprehensible when people can't,or are afraid to talk dirty, you hot, sultry bitch. B^)

8/02/2006 8:46 PM  
Blogger Cherrie said...

Good advice, but I'm wondering if the essence of talking "dirty" is liberation--using words you're not supposed to use. Of course, just about everyone uses those words now in everyday speech, but growling them in what might be considered a tender, loving situation could make you feel free and comfortable, if your lover hisses and growls them back!

8/05/2006 12:06 AM  
Blogger Miss Syl said...

Karl Elvis: Not everyone is lucky enough to have been born with his smutty mojo working overtime, you cruel, evil, filthy-tongued man.

Cherrie: True, it's all about reciprocation (although that may not mean your lover likes to hear the same kind of thing you do). As to saying words in public vs. private--many people might say the words "fuck" and "me" and "raw" individually in everyday conversation, but it's a different story to beg, "Please, fuck me raw." I don't think most people say things like that in public--so for some, until they get comfortable with it, it could have that "taboo" aspect around it.

8/05/2006 1:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I know is, if he makes me really hot, I can't shut up!

8/06/2006 10:18 PM  

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