Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Monogamania 2: In a Chemical World...Or, Where Did the Lust Go?

So, time to finally post the follow up to the, as Anastasia put it, "rip-roaring discussion" on monogamy and polyamory that started this Friday.

Since I last wrote that post, I've been reading a lot of articles about chemical and neurological reactions related to love, lust, and sex in humans. I thought perhaps science could explain the wide variance on views on single- or multiple-partner sexuality. Did it? Yes and no. As usual, every answer brings up more questions and more things to ponder. While the facts remained relatively similar across different articles, every journalist's interpretation of the facts seemed to differ a bit, skewing the results to support either monogomous or non-monogamous theories. There are billions of articles on the topic, but I'll post and sum up a few key ones that I thought were most useful here.

First, a shorter one, "The Chemistry of Love" from the site How Stuff Works. (Note you have to click through to read the whole article). According to this article:

  • During the initial romantic infatuation stage (let's call it the "lust" stage), the brain is primarily secreting dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine--chemicals that induce feelings of bliss, excitement, racing heart, sleeplessness, craving--all those things you feel when you're madly attracted to someone. At this time the parts of your brain with dopamine receptors are stimulated at an increased rate. (In most of the articles I read, these chemical responses are likened to cocaine.)

  • During the phase where romantic love kicks in and sex is occurring, different chemicals begin to kick in. These are bonding-influencing chemicals like oxytocin and vasopressin, and are released during orgasm and focus your instinct on being with one particular person (in the prairie vole example explained later, they say these chemicals create a "scent imprint" that makes them recognize and stay with their partners--it's implied we probably do something similar).

  • Interestingly, when oxytocin and vasopressin begin to be released, they actually INTERFERE with your dopamine and norepinephrine pathways--therefore building a stronger bond response (comfortable love) than a continual romantic love "rush" response.

  • At this stage, endorphins show up (both during sex and during physical contact), making you feel all nice and warm and safe. People can become dependent on this.

  • After about 2 to 3 years all of your "lust" chemicals fade out and all the "romantic bonding" chemicals continue to be released, assuming the couple is still having sex. But this is the stage where people "wake up" and realize their partner may not be as constantly enthralling as the "lust" chemicals made them think. The person him/herself hasn't changed, the chemicals that affect your drive toward them have changed.

  • There's a monogamous mammal called the prairie vole. It's believed these mammals mate for life because they have oxytocin and vasopressin receptors. Other types of voles don't have these receptors, and are polyamorous.

Here's another article: "I Get a Kick Out of You," in The Economist online. Highlights:

  • More info on the prairie vole studies, with further explanation of a distinctive feature of both vasopressin and oxytocin--"they are involved in parts of the brain that help to pick out the salient features used to identify individuals." In other words, if you don't have any of these chemicals, you can't differentiate between people. And again, how do prairie voles use these chemicals to identify other voles, and particularly their mates? Smell.

  • It's also environmental: "...animals—people included—learn from their sexual and social experiences...Researchers think humans develop a “love map” as they grow up—a blueprint that contains the many things that they have learnt are attractive. This inner scorecard is something that people use to rate the suitability of mates. Yet the idea that humans are actually born with a particular type of “soul mate” wired into their desires is wrong. Research on the choices of partner made by identical twins suggests that the development of love maps takes time, and has a strong random component."
A final article, and the one which I found most interesting, "Cupid's Comeuppance" in Psychology Today. Quick summary:
  • They define love as having three distinct stages, lust, romantic love, and attachment: "Lust gets us on the hunt for potential mates, and romantic love narrows our focus and energy to just one person, while attachment encourages us to stick with this partner long enough to raise children."
  • Dopamine and norepinephrine, the "lust" chemicals do begin to fade over the course of a romantic love and attachment phases, as the "cuddle chemicals" vasopressin and oxytocin take hold.

  • But wait! Dopamine and norepinephrine levels can be resurrected! According to the article, the level of these chemicals surges every time we're confronted with the unknown. So that means...inject new adventures into the relationship, and lust can rises again.

  • They imply things as simple to attain as humor and sex can raise your dopamine levels. Even more dopamine inducing: separation (you want it but you can't have it), and fights. And overall, the key is to seek out "novel and stimulating experiences" to share together.

  • A glitch: a couple's sense of "novel and stimulating" has to match, or this doesn't work. "People normally differ in the degree to which they seek stimulation. But the most enduring couples, it turns out, are those whose natural levels of sensation seeking, whether high, low or in between, are very closely aligned."

  • The best combination for lasting bliss is apparently two low sensation seekers. Two high sensation seekers are okay but may be too interested in variety to ensure a lasting union. "Still, the worst combination is high-low, because they just don't understand each other's interests." (See the article for a definition of what high and low sensation seekers are like.)

  • Another glitch: A lower sensation seeker might seem higher than he/she is when he/she is experiencing the adrenaline rush of the lust stage. "It's when the sex becomes routine that problems occur. Initially there can be a great attraction between a high [-level] and a low [-level]. And only later may they realize how fundamentally different they are."

  • New topic: SMELL. You've got one. No one else has got yours. Everyone's got their own smell, based on their immune system makeup. So no matter how good someone might look on paper, if they don't smell good to you, you're not gonna be able to bond romantically to them, and vice versa.

  • REALLY interesting: According to this, the birth control pill can make women choose the wrong scented person. Because the pill simulates pregancy, the woman's olfactory system looks for a protective scent, and often goes for a man who has a "father" or "brother" scent. "A few years into marriage, a woman may stop using birth control only to find herself less interested in her mate without knowing why."
SO. What about all this? Have you ever ended a relationship because secretly, you just couldn't stand a person's smell? Women: did you ever go off birth control pills and find you suddenly wanted an entirely different kind of partner (I think I've experienced this)? Are our instincts to mate and bond purely chemical and biological, or is there more to it than all this?
Does all this mean monogamously-oriented people are perhaps just less sensitive to dopamine and the "lust" chemicals and more sensitive to the "romantic love chemicals?" If sex and humor add novelty to a relationship in ways that can boost dopamine, why do long-term couples stop having sex? If we made sure we had sex regularly--EXCITING sex--would we lust after each other forever? (Man, do I want this one to be true.)

And can a reasonably high-sensation girl ever get a friggin' boyfriend that doesn't eventually bore her to death (not that I need to know this one *personally* or anything...look up...whistle...don't be obvious...)?

Please let me know what you think.

Whew. I'm spent. Someone gimme a dopamine injection.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Sugasm #23

Sugasm #23

The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them, this week starting with the letter S. If you haven’t checked out the new FAQ, give it a look - it takes effect next week.

More Sugasm…
Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Ecstatic Seska photo courtesy of Seska For Lovers Fresh Blog.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Ah wanna tell ya 'bout a girl

Damn Karl Elvis. His own lack of impulse control has triggered mine, and now I find myself drawn down into the dark depths of the Quizilla pit. Pretty much accurate results, though...

you are Nick Cave!

Nick Cave...dark and creepy. You're a bi-polar genius, with equal passion for the most degrading aspects of humanity, as well as the beauty & wonder of God and Heaven.

Which fucked-up genius composer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat I'm high maintenance. So I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage or whatever it is ya got goin' on there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me.
--Clementine Kruczynski
, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I've got monogamy on the brain.

Seems like so many bloggers I'm reading lately are dealing with marriage issues or are pondering infidelity, either actually or theoretically. In a way, it makes coupledom seem pretty hopeless and kind of makes me glad I'm single. It seems so much easier to deal with in some ways (and of course harder in others).

In any case, I've been thinking a lot about monogamy, and if it has a place in the world anymore, and if a girl who's wired for it has any hope of finding a guy who is as well. What are the chances?

My first question is: Is monogamy as rare as it seems? Are humans as a species inherently hardwired to seek out other partners, regardless of their feelings for the person they're with?

The American media is certainly rife with dramas, comedies, books, and news items about people cheating on people. But does a staggeringly higher percentage of print and electronic stimuli focused on infidelity really prove what's going on in the actual world? Probably not. Seems to me the only thing it proves is we have a obsessive fascination with the topic, and the media wants to feed and profit off of it.

Then there's the stat out there that says only about five percent of mammals are monogamous, which is often held up as proof that human monogamy is unnatural. But hey, in the animal kingdom, most males also abandon their kids before or just after they're born, and though we humans have got a few deadbeats out there, I'd hardly say that most human males have the "natural instinct" to abandon their kids. So again, I don't think comparing ourselves to our mammal cousins necessarily proves anything.

And of course humans themselves will verify the stereotypes for you: males and females alike will say things like "men are dogs," etc. But history is filled with examples of terrible, false stereotypes that have hijacked the human imagination and held it for ransom for years before the truth can be rescued. Just because people believe it doesn't make it true.

No, for real evidence, you'd need some good statistical studies. Well, apparently there's very little of that. In doing some looking around the internet for such studies, you can find hardly anything. However, there seems to be one that is CONSISTENTLY quoted over and over again. Here's a representative excerpt from an article on Discovery Health online
One often-cited expert, Peggy Vaughan, author of 'The Monogamy Myth," estimates that 60 percent of husbands and 40 percent of wives will have an affair at some point in their marriage...
"Oft-cited." Yeah. Well at least that part is verifiable. Ms. Vaughan's stat is everywhere. And yet strangely, no one seems to bother to have looked up where she got her statistics from. No worries, I'll do it for you.

On her own website, Ms. Vaughan has very graciously put up the introduction to her book (scroll way down, past all the miles of promotional stuff). The 60/40 statistical reference appears there, as does her extended analysis of it (any emphasis is the author's).
The reality is that monogamy is not the norm, not by today's standards, anyway. Conservative estimates are that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages.
So according to this, 80 percent of marriages (we presume she means in the US) end up with at least one act of infidelity. Pretty grim, right? But wait, Miss Syl, you ask, did you leave out the part where she says WHERE she got these "conservative" statistics from? Nope. She never says.

So why are so many people--including legitimate news sources--quoting this woman, anyway? Not one of them bothers to verify the claim of this WOMAN WHO IS TRYING TO SELL A BOOK ABOUT HOW INFIDELITY CAN BE STOPPED. Um, HELLO...wouldn't it be in her best interest to build paranoia? If the stats weren't that dire, why would anyone need her book?

Of course, it doesn't mean the statistic ISN'T true, either. But unless Peggykins can cough up some well-researched, unbiased representative sample study that she got this data from, I'm going to assume there's no reliability to her facts. Smacks strongly of the "a woman over 30 (or whatever it was) has a better chance of getting killed by a terrorist than getting married" misinformation/paranoia campaign.

Show me the evidence, Peggy, you oft-cited media ho! Oops, apologies, she isn't a ho. She doesn't like people to sleep around. I forgot.

Shockingly, besides Peggy Vaughan's ubiquitous citation, there is hardly anything out there from a reliable source that I could find in two days of internet searches--and I am the queen of internet research, I'll have you know. All I could find was this site, which lists some research stats they attribute to the Associated Press (which I find unlikely--is AP running a research branch now?). More likely AP was citing someone else, but I can't find the actual AP article this site refers to. Anyway, the site quotes AP as saying:
Twenty-two percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past.
Twenty-two/fourteen is a far cry from 60/40.

Ironically, the only other numbers I can find are actually from a USA Today article cited on...wait for it...Peggy Vaughan's site! Apparently it was titled "Affairs Rare Despite Rumored Popularity." The article is from 1998 and talks about an as-of-yet incomplete study that so far has found:

In spite of confessed sexual peccadilloes in Congress and the White House, not everybody is doing it.

The latest, still-unpublished research shows that about 24% of men and 14% of women have had sex outside their marriages. A national study of 5,000 men and women who have been married is under way at the Center for AIDS Prevention Studies at the University of California, San Francisco.

The findings closely match those of a prestigious 1994 study from the University of Chicago.

So again 24/14. Not that high, really. By the way, I'm guessing Vaughn has this contradictory article on her site because farther down in the text, her "oft-cited" unsubstantiated numbers are used to contradict the study by the Center for AIDS Prevention Studies at the University of California, San Francisco. Uh, yeah.

Anyway, so what does it all mean? Could a study ever really measure the truth of infidelity? After all, one person might think simply kissing a person outside the relationship is cheating, whereas another person might define "infidelity" solely as coitus outside of the relationship.

Ugh. Too much to think about.

So, what do you think? Which statistics are correct? Are any of them? Is infidelity the natural state of things? Is monogamy obsolete? Or are we allowing the widespread SUGGESTION that humans--especially men--can't be monogamous to create a world in where it's actually becoming a reality?

Tell me. I really need to know.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

A Woman's Only Human

Sigh...I was in the midst of typing up a whole big thing about monogamy and infidelity, but I am just too damn exhausted. Blame it on me worshipping at the feet of the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club last night.

Anyway, my thoughts are all over the place, and at the moment, nothing I'm saying seems lucid. So hopefully I'll figure it out and get it all posted up for you fine people tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'll let Aretha sum it up for me.

'Night, people...

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Torture and Humiliation

Want to really punish me? Make me go into a store and have to do this:

Miss Syl (to CD shop hipster): I'm sorry, can you please tell me where I can find Barry Manilow CDs? I can't find where they are.

RSH (pretending she isn't laughing at me when clearly she is): Oh, sure! Do you want his latest CD?

Miss Syl: Uh, yeah.

RSH: Well, you can get it from the Barry that's standing right behind you.

Miss Syl (turning around to find a life-sized Barry Manilow cut out with an indentation inside his body to hold the CDs): Thanks.

RSH: No problem.

Then, while she watched me, I had to reach into Barry's crotch area and grab a CD.

I feel dirty.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Lust in Stereo

Have you ever had a song where there is one sound or beat or what have you that hits you so hard, it simply lives and breathes total sexuality in one short moment? I'm not talking about the extended soundtrack you make love to. I'm not even talking about one individual song, or sexy lyrics. I mean just one key moment within a piece of music that when it hits you, it grabs you hard, makes your brain explode with lust, and gets your loins all up in a fire so that you just want to grab the next person who walks by, throw them down on the ground, and throw yourself on top of them?

It's not every song that can accomplish something so intense. But here are a few that do it for me. Now tell me yours.

Top of the charts: PJ Harvey, "Dry"
I can not get through this song without my hips involuntarily starting to grind, no matter where I happen to be. The cracked, roughness of her voice as she's screaming "dry" at the end of the first and second verse and then slams into the most obscene, crude, loud slide guitar riff you've ever heard. God. Amazing.

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Other contenders:

Suede, "The Drowners"
A close second to PJ for me. I like the throbbing guitar in the opening riff, but what really does it for me is the bridge with that long, extended, shivering, undulating wail from Bernard Butler's guitar at the end. Take me right now, Bernard, you guitar god. Plus, the whole damn song around it just seethes and smolders. I highly recommend you fuck to this song right now, at top volume, with whomever you've got around. Don't make love. Fuck. That's what this song exists for.

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The Beatles, "Revolution"
The opening moments. The assault of the guitar. That scream. Yes. Yes. Now. Need I say more?

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More Beatles, "Girl"
That long, sharp intake of breath in the chorus. Pure, wordless, supressed want. When someone makes that sound about you, you know. When you make that sound, well... Either way, it's a very good thing.

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Pixies, "I Bleed"
Kim's pulsing bassline and her thin, beautiful wail, echoing under Black Francis in the opening. Oooh. Behind my smile, it shakes my teeth.

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Ride, "Like A Daydream"
There is a split second about two-thirds of the way into the midst of this incredible layered wall of noise and romantic pining where the song just slams to a halt and is totally silent except for this cymbal noise. And then kicks back in. In that one split second, I'm laid out flat. It's the most perfect break I've ever heard in a song. And the swelling music around it will send you to heaven and back.

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Prince, "When Doves Cry"
That Tuvan-throat-singer thing he does at the start of the song. I don't know what the hell it is, or why it's so stirring. But it just is. Sets up the whole rest of the mood for the song.

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Come on, ya'll. Gimme yours. What isolated musical moment gets you all worked into a tizzy?

Sugasm #22

The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them, this week starting with the letter “Q”.

Queens and Holy Bitches (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com…)
Removal Procedures (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com…)
The Seduction (barelace.blogspot.com…)
Sex in Libraries: An Introduction (lumpesse.com…)
Shopping Trip (mnsss.blogspot.com…)
Slave For A Day (talkingdirty.blogspot.com…)
Smells Like Vanilla (sabrinainstockings.com…)
“St (Censored) Day…” (chaosnoir.blogspot.com…)
The Ten Commandments (theholidaylife.blogspot.com…)
“This bed is on fire with passionate love.” - Part 1 (eternalapprentice.blogsome.com…)
What Turns You On - Part 1 (seskuality.com…)
You Own Me (secretsofadirtygirl.blogspot.com…)
Another Canceled Race (bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com…)
Chocolate Ecstasy (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com…)
Coach T… Chapter 5 (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com…)
Confessions of a Valentine’s Day Virgin (sexeteria.blogspot.com…)
Domme Visit Part I (nycbdsm.blogspot.com…)
Don’t… (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com…)
Ex Libris Eroticis (sexblo.gs)
How To Work With Eastern European Models (sugarbank.com…)
Firsts (jundercovers.blogspot.com…)
Free Spankings at the Dirty Show (tirepaddle.com…)
Flirting (gentlygently.blogspot.com…)
Gaijin (remittancegirl.com…)
Happy anniversary, virginity. Happy Valentine’s Day too (realadultsex.com…)
Happy Valentine’s Day (barbiebaby09.livejournal.com…)
Her Favorite Color is Red… (everythingoze.blogspot.com…)
Inspiring Sex Dream (seska4lovers.com…)
Intention (tangysweet.blogspot.com…)
Je Joue Luxury Programmable Vibrator (spiritsex.blogspot.com…)
The Joys of Sex Toys (omyfirstorgasm.blogspot.com…)
Kinky Sex with Cake Icing (wetalksexblog.com…)
KITKAST #1.16 - Contraceptive Week, Vivid and Kitkast 2.0 (kitkast.com…)
Lady Olivia Outré (eroticandy.blogspot.com…)
Last Night Jane Got A Pearl Necklace From Dick. (janeluvsdick.com…)
Last Weekend Domination (sexinga.blogspot.com…)
Let Me Make You Cum… (dirtygirlsthoughts.blogspot.com…)
M and My Cock (v-boat.blogspot.com…)
Mind Numbing Explosive Sex! (secretbrain.blogspot.com…)
The Night I Found the Exhibitionist in Me (nakedfella.blogspot.com…)
Pansy Division (sugarpit.com…)
Pixilated Nudity (tinastrangeworld.blogspot.com…)
Prostitution on Second Life (sugarjoy.com…)

Join the Sugasm

Thanks, Sabrina, lovely moderatrix.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Horny: Relieve My Suffering

God, I hate this word. Is there anyone besides me who thinks the sound of it is completely opposite to what it actually FEELS like. Just nothing about it feels sensual in any way. It sounds like the kind of word a little kid would make up to describe an adult feeling.

What it describes I don't hate though. It's an interesting and complex state to be in. It deserves a good word to describe it.

The thing that is frustrating is that there really is no other word that quite has the same meaning as "horny." "Aroused" isn't right. Aroused tends to be used to describe direct and clear physical response to something in particular: "I saw him and became aroused." Whereas "horny" is more of an ongoing state--a quivering sense of need, even if you're not technically, physically showing signs of arousal.

"Excited" is too non-specific. I mean hell, I can get excited about the fact that my landlord lowered my rent, or that my favorite band is playing in town.

"Lustful" is closer to the mark, but doesn't sound quite right when you say it: "God, I'm really lustful right now." Uh-uh. And "lecherous" just sounds like you're thinking about underage kids.

Plus, in general, even if you're not bothered by the sound of the word, it has a distinctly unfeminine sense to it. "Horn" is the penis. I haven't got a horn. So why would I be horny? I want something that reflects the female state of high-pitched sexual need. Or even better, one with unilateral usability.

So, what alternatives would you suggest? Or do we need to make up a new word? And if so, what should the new word be?

Quote of the Week

Well, on Valentine's Day I went out and listened to people tell stories about sex. If I couldn't have any, well, next best thing, I suppose.

Anyway, the highlight of the night was this amazing slam poet named Sonya Renee. If she comes to your town, I highly recommend you check her out. But anyway, she performed one poem that contains my quote for this week. The poem was about how she was really getting down with this guy, and the moment of "impact" was about to occur and she asks him if he has a condom and he gives her a hard time and says something rude. The rest of the poem is her lambasting him for his stupidity. Uber quote in the midst of the rant:
Put your dick in your pants,
You've just lost your chance,
I've got a date with my dildo at 10.
Thank you and goodnight, ladies and gentlemen. Sonya Renee definitely IS.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I am in love...

..with this site. Too funny.


Thanks to the lascivious, leather-clad Karl Elvis by way of the lusty, libidinous Chelsea Girl for the enjoyment.

Confessions of a Valentine's Day Virgin

It's time for me to come clean. I have never had Valentine's Day sex. Ever.

Oh, I've had plenty of boyfriends. It's just the breakup or start-up always seemed to happen before or after the month of February. Or, in one case, the first makeout session occurred on a party the evening of February 13, so it was too early and too much pressure to make a big deal out of Valentine's Day yet (I got a rose after midnight, but no plans for THE DAY, and definitely no sex).

I had a two-year, long-term relationship. We lived in different states and visited back and forth at regular intervals. I got Valentine's day presents, cards. But for some reason, he and I could never work our schedules and obligations out to be together for Valentine's Day.

I lived with someone for six years in a committed relationship. You'd THINK I would have gotten lucky on Valentine's Day at least ONCE in that time, right? But no. He worked in the restaurant industry. And as you may or may not know, Valentine's Day is the second biggest profit day of the year for restaurants (after Mother's day; I'm not even gonna get INTO the Oedipal implications of that one). The fancier restaurants (he worked at one) tend to have special Valentine's Day menus, which require extra effort and more hours than usual at work. So, during all those years, while all you people were out having your special Valentine's Day dinners at your chi-chi restaurants, I was at home, alone, thinking of my guy making sure YOUR V-day (or someone's, anyway) was really romantic. Humph. We always had to celebrate on the 13th or 15th, because by the time he came home on the 14th, I was usually asleep and he was usually exhausted.

And this year, I'm single on Valentine's Day. So again, I must go without.

So now, I find myself in my 30s, with not one single Valentine's Day shag under my garter belt. It seems cruel and unfair! I think to make me feel better, all you readers who HAVE had Valentine's Day sex over the years ought to tell me stories about the most horrible and disappointing Valentine's Day sex you've ever had. To make me feel like I'm not missing out, having only had sex on the other 364 days of the year.

Please tell me a bad V-day sex story! Or at least write me sympathy notes or offer your services to defile my innocence, or something...

Note: You can go here to find more amusing Anti-valentine cards like the one above.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

I Need a Neanderthal

That's all I've been able to think about today. I'm overwhelmed with a mood where I want nothing sweet and kissy--just push-me-up-against-a-wall, have-your-way-with-me, primal, screaming lust. Some days are just like that.

Sing it, Ann.

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Saturday, February 11, 2006

Brassy Dame Quote of the Week

"Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa." ~Dorothy Parker

Sprinkle generously into conversations throughout the upcoming week. Tell me how people respond.

Is This Really Kosher?

Gummy-candy teeth guards to use as blow job aids? I can't decide if this would actually feel good or painful to a guy. I'd imagine you'd have to lick them and get them wet first, or wouldn't they kind of pull the skin in a not nice way? Or would it be worse wet?

Imagine running a gummy bear on your skin, with a little pressure. Nice? Not nice? What do you think?

And it also says it's good for cunnilingus and I can't sort out how it would help that along at all. People don't tend to bite a woman accidentally during this act, so far as I know.

..but I just love how after they tell you all kinds of dirty things you can do with this candy, they add the afterthought, "It is also certified kosher." Cracked me up. ("I'll put a penis in my mouth any day, but non-kosher blowjob candy...no WAY.")

Sugasm #21

Sugasm's come of age, and he's big, long, and very hot this week. Take full advantage of him.

The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them. This week starting with the letter ‘I,' for 'insatiable.'

I Have This Need (whatsexmaycome.blogspot.com…)
Is Pussy a Naughty Word? (tinasstrangeworld.blogspot.com…)
Jefferson’s Gangbang #24 (viviane212.blogspot.com…)
Joy Swallows (seska4lovers.com…)
J.R. Duran (sexblo.gs…)
KITKAST #1.15 - The Art of Loving, Jenna’s Video Podcast and the 82nd Airborne Division (kitkast.com…)
Letter to La Minx (theholidaylife.blogspot.com…)
Lezzy Lovers (myfreeimplants.com…)
Lost. (domequeen.blogspot.com…)
Milk Gone Wild (pornzio.com…)
My First Time (sexeteria.blogspot.com…)
My Imaginary Genitals (v-boat.blogspot.com…)
Nora Marlo pinup model (eroticandy.blogspot.com…)
On Tim Burton and Anal Sex (dslashe.blogspot.com…)
Parking Lot Sex (radicalvixen.com…)
Private Appearance (gentlygently.blogspot.com…)
Refracted Pleasure (deltaofvenus.blogspot.com…)
Relax (nakedfella.blogspot.com…)
Secret Audio Reads: The Slow Shower (secretbrain.blogspot.com…)
Señor Happy (chaosnoir.blogspot.com…)
SexNotWork – World’s First/Best/Only Sex-Blog Network (sugarbank.com…)
Thoughts of our twilight delight and what it may bring… (maleslut35.blogspot.com…)
Trading Places, or Get Your Freak On Friday (barelace.blogspot.com…)
vagueBoy’s Guide to Pretties and Porn (vagueboy.com…)
Valentine’s Day is Approaching (janeluvsdick.com…)
Vixen Devil Girl Table: Ready for the Dirty Show! (tirepaddle.com…)
With a Name Like Zdenka She Has to Be Good! (twistys.com…)
After Sex (alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com…)
CockCUNTBlogging Wednesday (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com…)
Condom Queen Quits Classy Company (sugarpit.com…)
Disappointment (nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com…)
Explaining Attitude (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com…)
Full Shift (swelteringcelt.com…)
Happy Nekkid Feet (sabrinainstockings.com…)
HNT Exercise — one minute please (realadultsex.com…)

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Friday, February 10, 2006

Thank God It's DLF!

Though he'd hoped it would satisfy him,
Turned out bondage just frustrated Tim.
He put cuffs at the head
And the foot of his bed,
But he never could lock that fourth limb.

Yes, I wrote it. Yes it's stupid. But admit it, you laughed.

I'm feeling giddy and silly and happy it's the weekend. I want to play! I want you to get silly and play with me. Read on to find out how.

So, on my way home today, I was just thinking about how the "dirty limerick" has become a lost art. Back in the dark ages before everyone could get whatever sexual content they wanted 24 hours a day (i.e., the entire span of human existence until the 1990s), people used to use these little rhymes to pass along sexual humor and, I would guess, they were also often used to pass along sexual knowledgethroughh that humor.

Well, I say, bring back the dirty limerick! We can all use some nudge, nudge, wink, wink silliness these days, even if we can fill our entire hard drive with very serious porn, thank you very much.

I therefore herewith establish (at least for one week) "Dirty Limerick Fridays." (Hell, if there's a Cockblogging Wednesday and a Half Naked Thursday, I've gotta act fast before all the days are taken up).

So play around with me. Email me a dirty limerick and as they come in, I'll post them on Fridays. It's really fun...and much more challenging than you'd think at first. Let's keep up a centuries-long tradition, and have a laugh while we're doing it.


Miss Syl

P.S. Does anyone besides me know both the full dirty and clean versions of "There once was a man from Nantucket?" I challenge you!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

My First Time

Bet this post is not exactly what you thought it was going to be...

...but maybe it's about something even better, something that will bring you back to a certain feeling...

I was just thinking about how most people's "first time" is really not with a person, but with a piece of media--whether a book, a magazine, a photograph, film, TV show, or website.

Can you remember the first thing that sparked up your mind and body with that hot flame of desire? The very first thing that got you hard, or got you wet, so that you instinctively took your hand or pillow or (fill in the blank) and put it down where it needed to be, and started the motion that would, for the very first time, satisfy the sensations you couldn't even define yet?

I've heard men tell me they masturbated for the first time to women on sitcoms. Women tell me it was their life-size poster of their rock star crush taped to the back of their bedroom door. So innocent, yet so incredibly stirring, when you think back to how little it took to get your mind and desire racing back then.

For me, my first time was with a John Jakes novel called The Bastard. It was the first in a series of historical novels purportedly written for men, but which in reality were little more than masculine versions of romance novels. My dad had collected the series and had them sitting on a shelf, collecting dust in his study. I was a voracious reader and a brainy girl even then, and was already reading adult books, under my parent's supervision. I asked to read these books, and I'm sure my dad thought it was a good idea, as it would teach me things about American history. Little did he realize I'd keep the first book in the series under my bed for years, so I could have easy access to it whenever I needed it.

I can still clearly remember the very first time I read the opening sex scene in that book. In it, the hero, innocent and in his teens in pre-Revolution France, is seduced in the loft of a barn by the teenage-but-NOT-so-innocent serving wench who works in his mother's inn. It is winter and it is cold. She starts out pretending that she just wants to warm him up, but then she slowly starts touching him in different places, and putting his hands on her in different places, until she works him up to the point of no control. And reading that...well, that was the beginning of me learning to work myself up to the point of no control.

Part of me wants to go back and re-read that scene now, years later. But another part of me doesn't want to, because I'm sure to an experienced adult, the passage would probably seem trite and silly. But at the time, for me, a young and innocent kid like the French boy and girl in the story, it was so, soooo hot.

So who--or more specifically, what--were you with your first time?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

An Orgasm is Forever: Want the Perfect V-day Gift?

Well, allow me to help you, possums.

Look what I just found...a gift that solves both couples' "our sex is getting too routine" AND "I'm sick of fighting over the remote control" dilemmas. Couldn't sound more perfect, you say?

Then get yourself over to see the oyster and the octopus. No, I'm not talking about taking your honey to Sea World for Valentine's Day. I'm talking his and hers, remote controlled, low noise, hide-in-plain-sight vibrators. Each is designed differently to stimulate the right parts for the right gender. And the remotes are on key chains so no one out in public need be the wiser. Ingenious. There's also video from some BBC morning show of couples testing both out, if you're curious to see the effects. How could you go wrong with this one--a gift for him/her that is ALSO a gift for you.

And if you're about to say, "Miss Syl, I already BOUGHT him/her a remote control vibrator...that is SO last year," well, how about adding a little something to your bedroom decor that will put your lucky victim in no position to criticize your gift? Mmm, mmm, mmmm, look at that wedge ramp combo (pictured here). Or, check out the more permanent furniture. I'd definitely be willing to show just how grateful I was if someone got me one of these for a present--make sure you check out the whole slide show. Makes your mouth water.

Ah, I'm jealous now of all you people who are going to get one of these on Valentine's day, while I'm left all alone and boyfriendless this year...

Now, if anyone gets any of these based on my suggestion, you know it's only fair...you have to give me a full review on exactly how well it "worked" as a present!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

One Month Later: A Note of Thanks to All You Lovely Readers

I just want to say thank you to everyone who's been visiting. I'm amazed every day at this whole blogging world and the amazingly smart and cool people involved in it.

I started writing this blog exactly a month ago. In this first month, I've had over 2,000 visitors, over 3,000 pageloads, and return visits that number in the hundreds. That just amazes and humbles me. When I started, I thought I'd be lucky if 10 people a day found the site and even a few of them responded. Many thanks to all of you who have visited, and for your great comments and kind emails. I look forward to more discussion and meeting more of you who are out there and hearing your thoughts.

It also makes me feel great that there's such a thriving number of intelligent, thoughtful sex bloggers out there keeping the discussion open and interesting. I had no idea when I first signed on this would be the case. Now I find myself overwhelmed with the number of blogs I want to read everyday. How will I ever have the time???

Much xo to you all...I think together, we're all making the world a better, more open, more creative place.


I don't know what's happening, but over the past two days, I've had problems with disappearing posts and dysfunctional comment pages. I think it's all fixed. But let's wait and see how it goes. For now, commenting on the latest post seems to be working. Please share if you've been trying to. Sorry for any frustration. No one is feeling it more than me!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Sugasm #20

The best of the blogs by the bloggers who blog them. This week starting with "M" for "mmm...."

Friday, February 03, 2006

Women: What Are Your Best Cunnilingus Tips? (Full post, finally.)

Well, based on my hits since I added my post on blowjob tips, hundreds of people are curious about what answers men gave to the blowjob survey. Now if only more people would overcome their shyness and answer, not just lurk!

But I think if that many people would like to know what men think makes for good oral sex, I’m sure there’s a lot of people out there who would appreciate hearing the female point of view on how to give a woman great oral. I would assume that men in particular would love to hear some of this advice straight from “real” women rather than from unrealistic porn videos. I can’t imagine what it must feel like for them when they first come face to face with the mysterious complexity of a new pussy they want to please. I know they say generally men don’t like to be given directions, but my guess is in this particular scenario, they would be more than happy to have a good on-board navigation system.

So, ladies, it’s your turn. Please sound off on the best ways to get you off orally. Share any secret—or not so secret—tips you wish more men knew about. (Note: I’m saying give tips to the boys because, seeing as they don’t own a vulva or a clitoris, they have less of a frame of reference and might want more guidance. But bi and lesbian girls are very welcome to share tips, too. In fact, please do. We all of us want to have better oral.)

Now, unlike in my last post, I am quite familiar with what it feels like to have female genitalia, so I can start the conversation off with a few tips. Here they are. The list is a little long, so click the link below the first tip to get to the full post.

  1. When it comes to women, “any oral is good oral” does NOT apply.
    Unlike how it is for men, just because you’re willing to go down there and start licking doesn’t mean she’s going to come no matter how it’s done. Orgasm is a very emotional as well as physical thing for women. If you don’t get both her mind and senses engaged, she’s not going to get off. Here are some more tips on how to do both.

  2. Don’t head straight for the pussy like a heat-seeking missile.
    I know for a lot of guys, nothing is as exciting as having a woman you’re into start touching your package or start unzipping your fly and heading down south as early on as possible in a make-out session. This is because not only does it feel damn good, but it takes away a certain amount of insecurity—if that happens, you know she’s into you and you’re probably going to be getting some.

    This is NOT—I repeat—NOT the case for women. If you go straight for her genitals right after you start kissing, in most cases it will NOT make her feel good, because she hasn’t been turned on enough. Plus, it will not take away her insecurities by making her think you’re into her. Unlike you, she’s going to be pretty sure already that you want to have sex with her, and she’ll be in the process of deciding if she wants to have sex with you. What will make or break that is generally how willing you are to show you’re into her and her physical needs. Going straight for her pussy, either while clothed or even when you first both get naked together (if you do) is not the way to show her you’re into her physical needs. In fact, it might even make her think you don’t care about her at all and just want to get laid, which for most women would be a serious mood kill, and there’s no coming back from that (ahem). Most women need to get very worked up until they’re at the point where there’s no WAY they’re going to be able to want anything except getting you down there, and quick. So, unless you know your partner very, very well and already know she’s into quickies, if you go straight in for the pussy, you’re significantly lessening your chances you’ll even see her genitalia, let alone get her off. Instead, spend some time stimulating her by kissing, stroking, licking, and caressing every other part of her body first, until she is so worked up, there’s no way she’s going to be able to want anything but to have you down there, and quick. Once she’s already a little worked up, don’t underestimate the power of the tease…touch, kiss, or lick the sensitive areas around the pussy, especially the inner thighs, lower stomach, and mons pubis. Make her start thinking about it, but not getting it. The power of suggestion is has a mighty influence.

  3. Forget all that "letters of the alphabet" nonsense.
    To paraphrase Ron Jeremy in “Porn Star,” (and who would know better than the hedgehog), some women like it clockwise, some like it counter clockwise, some like an up and down stroke, etc., etc. You don’t have to spell out the letters of the alphabet. Just try different motions and see what works. Circles around the clit, direct pressure pusing right on the clit, slow up and down licking, fast little flicks of the tounge…try it all and see what has the best effect. I mean, if it helps you to spell out the letters of the alphabet to figure out what motion works best for your woman, so be it. But the point is, when you find a motion that works, STICK WITH IT. If you reach the letter S and she suddenly starts bucking her hips against your face, don’t fucking move on to T, U, and V. Stick with S, damnit. S, S, S!!! Oh god, Ssssss!

  4. Listen up! Pay attention!
    Some women aren’t shy at all about telling you just what to do and what they like, which takes away all the guesswork. But some women are more embarrassed to express themselves so bluntly during sex. In any case, whether she talks a lot or hardly at all, listen and pay close attention to the noises and motions she makes. If you’re down there and you hear something—an intake of breath, a moan, a “yes,” or if you see her starting to move against your toungue or face in even a slightly less controlled way—stick with what you are doing, you’re on the right track. Keep doing it some more. If she starts to get quieter or to calm down, it’s not working anymore; move on to trying something new until you start hearing/seeing a response again, and then stick with that motion. Recognize that if you here “no, “ “not there,” or “ouch!” you must NEVER go back to that approach. Realize that some women are more sensitive than others in that region. Just because your last partner liked to have her clit nibbled on doesn’t mean that your next partner is going to be able to take that direct approach.

    And most importantly, if at any time you hear her say, “right there!“, “I’m almost there! I’m going to cum!”, or “don’t stop!”…well, mister, DON’T STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING. I recognize it’s hard to continue to keep your motions consistent while she’s thrashing uncontrollably, but you signed up for this job, mate! Do whatever it takes to stay consistent at that moment. There is NOTHING worse than right as you’re about to peak, your partner decides to pause, change his tongue technique, or stop and ask for a blowjob instead. Once the momentum is broken for women, it can take a while to get back up there again. So unless you and your partner are into denial and teasing, stick with it till she’s screaming in ecstasy and tells you she’s done.

  5. Communicate. Ask for tips.
    Since every woman is different, asking how she likes to be given oral doesn’t imply you don’t know what you’re doing. In fact, it shows you DO know something. As you’re getting to know your partner (or even after you know her well), don’t be afraid to ask “do you like that?” It’s pretty sexy to hear a partner ask that anyway, because you know they want you to really feel good. If you’ve got a partner who’s a little less shy, tell her you are going to be her slave for the night—at her total command, there only to give her pleasure, and she needs to tell you exactly what to do to her, when, and how. Step by luscious step. Do this, and she’ll not only be turned on, but she’ll give you a virtual roadmap to how to make her feel good. And, if your partner is even less shy, ask her to demonstrate for you what gets her off. One way to do this is to ask her to masturbate in front of you while you watch. Exciting for you and her! But many women might be very embarrassed to do this, or intimidated by that kind of thing. If you suspect your partner might be, or you don’t know, try this less exhibitionistic alternative. Stand or lay behind her, pressed up against her. After she’s nice and turned on, ask her to take your hand and masturbate herself with it, as if it were her hand. She can bring your hand around the front of her, and use it like a sex toy until she’s overcome with orgasm, but she doesn’t have to see you watching her as she does it. It’s very intimate, and very hot, but less confrontational. Whichever method you use, pay attention to exactly how she touches herself, and then, the next time you go down on her, do the same thing with your tongue. You’ll have her screaming for you in no time.

So, that's a start. Ladies, do all these work for you? If yes, let the guys know. If not, feel free to debate and correct from your point of view. Have more good tips? Please add a comment! Every woman needs to be heard on this one.